16th May 2020
11:37 PM
Dear Husband,
You are right next to me. I know I am one of the few lucky ones who is being able to spend her days of physical distancing with the person she loves. I had never realized living together with the person you love and care about would be so healing during a crisis like these. Though I had never underestimated your presence in my life, the current reality in itself has magnified the importance of shared love, understanding, and hope.
Life has become an open book; everything has gone virtual. After I complete writing this, as you know I shall also be choosing social media to share my feelings with you. This is how I am, you know; a woman who loves to express her deepest feelings in her words and keeps it open for judgment to anyone who might happen to visit her profile. I am grateful that you have accepted me with all my choices, all my flaws, and all my vices.
Completely different personalities we are. You love to sleep early. I love to work at night. You meditate. I paint. You quietly ruminate turning off the lights. I use all my forces to find the prettiest light in the market to decorate our room. But those 365 days with you just flew by. Neither we had any disagreements for how different we were, nor we made any compromises for how similar we needed to be. We have submerged and now have become one. Life has become fluid with you.
As much as I have come to love you more, I have also started to become more fearful; that constant fear of losing you. The fear of living a life without you. With everything happening around, we have come to realize how trivial we as human beings are. All the inventions that humans were proud of till now don’t make any sense to what fortune we might land up to. As you were preparing to sleep tonight, news popped on my mobile screen that confirmed the death of a nursing mother after being infected by the virus. My heart goes out to the newborn who is unaware of whatever is going around.
But this has escalated the terror that I had somewhere inside me. I know this shall subside, most probably after I complete writing this letter to you. But this is how I am feeling right now.
We both hear the murmur of our neighbors every evening as they break the inhuman silence of this city with their grocery visits and realize the running fear that is inside all of us. As we have become closer than ever, the terror has also grown more than ever with this increasing uncertainty. You know my love for you was never less but this crisis has made that very love unfathomable now. It is a mixture of feelings when I feel powerful as well as powerless at the same time; powerful for being you by my side, and powerless in your love. Nothing shall beat this surmounting love but I feel defeated by something very inconsequential at the same time.
My heart leaps up to shout and say that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But my lips get sealed as I stand in this reality and see what’s going around. As the night is growing and the clock is striking to let me know that it has become another day, I only hope that may we live the rest of our lives together sharing our love but differentiating our spaces just like the ways we have been doing up until now.
With grit and gratitude
Truly yours
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