Working on her Spiritual Life; Marie Kay, a Commercial Lawyer from China (Story of Transformation 38)

A month back, I was questioned regarding the gravity of self-awareness by one of the trainees at a workshop. Whimsical about my emphasis on it, he quoted one of his aged MBA professors of his MBA classes and sarcastically asked if knowing oneself matters this early if a successful career is largely down to accident.

I tried to outwit him with whatever reply I could muster. However, I wasn't entirely convinced with my own answer. The question, having placed itself somewhere in my unconscious, would pop up time and again nudging for an answer until the day I met Marie.

***
“Hi, I am Marie Kay (name changed on request). I am studying Buddhist Studies and Tibetan Language here at Kathmandu University. What do you do?”

Kay welcomed me with a warm smile as I stepped into the jeep heading to Raithane, Sindhupalchowk.

We both were on the same destination to support the initiative of Teach For Nepal, ‘One Day in a Classroom’. I was going to teach grade 10 while she was preparing for grade 7. 

“So, what are you planning to teach the students?” I asked her.

“Actually, I am not teaching. I will just be sharing the challenges I faced as an Asian woman while working as a commercial lawyer.” Kay shared.

That was how we began exchanging our stories. I discovered that 47-year-old Marie started her journey as a linguist to later become a busy lawyer and now a student of Buddhism in the quest of finding the meaning of her life.

My early conversations with her were so inspiring that though it was the first time we had met, I talked with her all throughout the evening after reaching Raithane. And I feel the story of her spiritual journey is worth sharing.

I was amazed by how much she is open about her life and felt deeply connected to her even in that short meet. It was because her story made me understand how her journey led her towards self-awareness which in turn inspired her to find meaning in whatever she does or will be doing after she returns to her homeland.

Born as a younger daughter in a simple family in Hong Kong, attaining a degree from the University of Cambridge, England was a goal she hadn’t dared to dream while in high school. Kay’s father was an electrician while her mother used to work in a factory. But then during summer holidays of her undergrad years, she decided to work in a publication house from where she learned about the scholarships being offered at the university. She still remembers her supervisor sharing, “No matter how hard you work here at Hong Kong, it’s still a small place. You deserve more and studying in a university like Cambridge will make you accepted worldwide.” She wanted to achieve that global acceptance.

Fortunately, she was accepted as a graduate student in Master in Linguists in Cambridge and was also offered a scholarship.

As I listened to her story, it became clear how her early life had led her to dream a sophisticated life. She started dreaming of being globally recognized. Her story was an extraordinary example of Malcolm Forbes saying: “When you cease to dream you cease to live.”

After she completed her masters she returned to Hong Kong and started working at a law firm there to set up their translation department. There she got an opportunity to work with a lot of lawyers. That also made her realize that she had very less income compared to a lawyer. Also, her position as a translator was at a lower end in the supply chain in comparison to the lawyers. This prompted her to go for another degree in her life. “My life has been full of co-incidences” Kay laughingly recollects her life. “First, I wanted to be an educator, then co-incidence happened and I turned to be an advocate in the court”.

First, she worked as a government prosecutor then later she got an opportunity to work in a private firm. “I opted for the private firm because it was one of the top-ranked international firms and it was going to give me a chance to be a litigator, which I always dreamed of after working hard for three years to complete my law degree.”

Then, something about commercial litigation hit her hard. She started realizing that more than helping people, it was about making more money every day. She remembers how her boss kept saying that she needed to keep her client interested in pursuing litigation in order to keep her job.  “I was 29 then, young to realize how tough this is going to be for my clients. Rather than trying to conclude the process and help them solve the problem, we were focused on continuing the litigation just to earn for ourselves." She slowly started finding it hard to enjoy her job. While she was contemplating on whether to continue her job or not in 2001, she was asked to move to the commercial law department in the same firm because it was in need of someone who could translate the documents into Chinese. She was selected for the job given her earlier experience in helping multinational clients who wanted to invest in China.

Whatever I was hearing about her job and her lifestyle it was something most of us dream of. However, in August 2017 she decided to leave everything and come to Nepal to find a new path for herself.

Like for others, what provoked her to take that step was something of my interest too.

“I kind of had the feeling that I was running after something. You may also call it a mid-life crisis. However, I was at a point where I was asking myself if I still wanted to continue whatever I was doing. At some point, I used to contemplate if I could ever climb the next step of the correct ladder. Being an Asian, that too a woman it would be difficult because there are still subconscious white male differences lurking over as glass ceiling. At some point, I questioned if shouting and crying or making any effort to meet all those targets made sense.” She started sharing in a relaxing tenor.

One of the teachings on the internet by a Rinpoche, two years back, caught her attention. Then she searched for him and his books and started reading them. "Slowly, I started to search for the people interested in these issues and found that in Buddhism. I had chosen not to get married and also not to have kids, which let me change my life paths easily as I didn't have many financial burdens. Thus, when one of my friends shared about the course that I'm studying now, it was easy for me to come to Nepal leaving everything behind.”

“How is life different now?” I questioned.

With a smile, she answered, “Now I am living a life of my own. Though, most of the time I am inside my quite room doing my assignments, I feel a lot happier.”

What Marie has learned so far is that we don’t really need to go to a cave and be a monk to meditate. Rather it’s our day to day practice. It’s how ethical and focused we are in whatever we do and here, by focus, she doesn’t mean running after power and position but after meaning. Betty wants to return to China after she completes her study and continue as a part-time lawyer and be empathetic towards her clients rather than just dive into the competition of earning more. She shares, “With all these experiences and this transformation, I don't want people to believe that I will now be available for something cheap. I'm still expensive. Because I know my time and effort is valuable. I will try to find value in whatever I will be doing."

With all the turning points in life, for Marie, transformation in life means being at peace emotionally and spiritually. Being an atheist all her life, she feels that working on her spiritual life has made her stronger. For her, life should be left simple and as an individual, we just can be a better version of ourselves.

***
Marie, successful in whatever she was doing, when looks back, realizes how meaningful her life could have been if only she had tamed her spiritual life. Self-awareness at an early age helps us create a future we want to experience by making a deliberate choice. 

Departure

Some anticipation
Some mystery
Some worries
and some victories
What this morning holds
in its grip?
I try to unleash and cherish,
the brightness of its beam.
This morning departure
hopes to bring an evening reunion
of love, joy, and aspiration.

Tears of Joy

Tears of joy
rolls by
even from the rocks
when the sun comes and turns
its ugly patches in brightness
and makes her look a real highness.

Contemplation

Thoughts to contemplate
Questions to dissect,
in this hussle and bustle of life;
does the company matter
or is walking alone better?

Crafting Victory over Depression: Story of Sunita Giri (Story of Transformation 37)

Sunita Giri

It was a wonderful autumn day, 10th October 2017 Friday, the day I met Sunita. Sunita Giri, a 17-year teen was talking to me about her hope for life, with confidence in her skill and with vigor to bring change in the mindset of her society.  

But just a few months ago, this was not the case.  She was at a stage in her life when she felt that going to school didn't make sense anymore. For her, leading a meaningful life had nothing to do with a poor family, where her mom was always upbraided for opting an inter-caste marriage. Her father had a long severe depression and had once tried to poison himself. That preluded some symptoms of depression in her too. What transformed her then?

The turning point of her life was the 'Sikai' Project, run by Powerful Hands, an NGO run by a group of energetic youths towards creating a sustainable society. Under this project, girls fifteen years or older are brought from their villages to Kathmandu to continue their education. It aims to support motivated, intelligent young girls who want to finish their studies. Shailaja Kasaju, the vice-president of the organization met Sunita in her village at Sindhupalchowk when she was a volunteer teacher there. "Sunita was a brilliant student but she suddenly stopped coming to school for a long time. I was concerned about her. So I went to visit her home and found out about her family condition. I felt that if inspired, she could do wonders." Shailaja gradually started counseling her and giving her hope that she can excel. She passed her school and was confident enough to join her for her higher studies in Kathmandu. 

However, things didn't turn out as she had expected. Her family problems engulfed her and she started showing symptoms of depression. Frequent mood swings, irritation, self-loathing and anger were common in her. Looking at her condition, Shailaja and her team decided to make her a part of another of their project called ‘women's empowerment.' They had started the project aiming to teach women from villages how to produce and sell their own products so that they could become financially independent and therefore be less likely to be exploited and trafficked. Sunita had always had an interest in handicrafts. Making crafts out of raw materials found at home had always been her favorite pass time and these days under this project, Sunita is going to different villages and helping adult women to acquire this skill and earn their living out of it. 

"Teaching women of my mother's age made me feel great and happy about myself. The exhilaration I feel when I craft baskets is inexpressible." Sunita shares. These days in her free time she is busy crafting tea coasters from pine needles. 

A lot of young girls like Sunita are extremely prone to depression but unfortunately, many of them aren't getting proper guidance and support. If only someone was there to listen to them non-judgmentally, it would be of great help. If you are deep into depression, one positive thought might not be enough to change your brain chemistry.  However, continuous sharing of feelings might help before someone actually falls victim of serious depression. Sometimes, it takes more than just asking a person whether the glass is half or full. And most of the times, the idea of more is simply having deep one-on-one conversations about their lives, hobbies, and unconscious dreams. 

Sunita is now studying in grade 11 and aspires to become a social worker. She now helps her friends to dream big and work for their future. Even now, there are some days when she feels low and thinks of life as a burden. However, during those times, Shailaja and her team sit down with her and help her find meaning in her life.

To the Companion

Dear companion,
Thanks for rowing along,
the boat of life
that carries you and me,
and so many of our dreams.
Whenthe sun dims and sets
thanks for being there to contemplate.
Nature is rude.
It makes me think of life without you.
But then, dear companion.
I cherish your presence.
My love for you has grown immense.
I vow to dive into you,
create moments that I can treasure
that you can treasure
for the day death preludes.

That day, I changed my religion (Story of Transformation 36)

She had always loved her long black hair.

“Bhawana, you need to grow your hair.” She used to suggest me caressing my boy haircut.

Managing my hair and tying them was the most irritating job for me. I used to tease her saying someday I would like to see her go bald.

When I said that, I had never realized how scary it would feel to see her later with no hair.

The doctors had lost all their hopes in her and had asked her parents if they could ask her what her last wishes were.

“I want to be with my best friend” Shova had gestured after her three months long stay at Bharatpur Cancer Hospital.

***

Cycling used to be our best hobby. We used to ride shouting and dancing through the riverbanks, terrains, roads and all.

When I got a call from her mother that Shova is back and desperately wants to meet me, I jumped with happiness. I thought our joyful days were back and we would be riding our bicycles soon unwary of the fact that I would find my dearest friend so weak that she wouldn’t even be able to talk properly. 

When I reached her place, she was on her bed with her scary bald look drinking a avocado juice. She gave a big bright smile and gestured to me to sit next to her. She hugged me tight and said, “Bhawana, I love you and I missed you so much.”

I touched her head. I didn’t even realize when tears had already started to roll down my face.

For the first time in my life, I was afraid of losing someone. I was afraid of being lonely. I wanted her so desperately in my life that I could do anything to have her with me forever.

“If you ask with a pure heart, God gives you everything.” My mother always used to share this with me. I thought of asking God to let her be with me.  I wasn’t sure if that God was in a temple, in church or in Mosque. That 15-year-old Bhawana couldn’t actually find out whom to ask. I had never walked outside of home beyond school. I asked permission with my mom to go to Dharan just because all three homes of God were there. My mom denied. She didn’t trust me that I could go there alone and return safely. Dharan was well known for goons then. She asked me to wait till Saturday.

But I couldn’t wait. The very next day, I fled from home and met every God to help me. I cried in front of each of them and asked to let me have my friend with me. My mom had a huge trust in them. I was convinced that they would definitely listen to me.

***

My dearest Shova took her last breath a week after.

I was angry with God. I felt he cheats on people asking them to trust him and then betrays them. I went to my home, threw away all the pictures of him. Then my mom said, “God had already decided her life when she was a child and he can’t change it now.”

I contemplated over her saying. If life is really so unpredictable and things can’t be changed why should we believe in some outer being in the name of God? I asked God to let me have her in my life. Was that really possible for him if he was there?

"Of course not."

She is my friend and it’s me who would be letting her be with me or not. Our love was pure and physical departure doesn’t really make me apart from her.

She is inside me, deep inside me. Whenever I am sad, she sits besides me and hugs me. I still feel her kiss on my forehead. Whenever I am alone, she teases me saying, “Bhawana, won’t you go back to your boy haircut?”

As she breathed her last air in, I breathed out my belief in God. I changed my religion.

Life is full of challenges and everyone tries to get through them by trusting some outer being that they call religion. For me, my religion is my inner being, which I can trust in any situation. I hope your religion is the basis of your self-motivation.

Autumn Romance

Just incase,
if the things turn out different,
not so afflunet,
then we will just be those autumn leaves,
who lived thier life in bliss;
till the moment the sun was there,
enjoyed the color it had in spring
and leave gracefully.

Post Box 8

Painted on 25th October, 2017

To you

With the striving love,

Winter is coming. I can see the blizzard approaching. I can hear it howling wildly shaking our dry branches hard. I can feel the chilling cold when all our leaves would go dry and fall. But interestingly, like F. Scott Fitzgerald, I can also see life starting all over again when it gets crisp in the Fall.

Yes, it’s difficult to take it when the tree that you had planted with so much of love and cared with so much of passion grows dry suddenly. That too, not because you didn’t take care. However, dear, let’s look at it this way, this Fall will release the old leaves to find their way for something new.  This winter, the wind is definitely going to shake us with all its might but let us be ready to flutter with delight before we actually fall.

It’s difficult to wait for the spring to come but my dear, some moments are worth waiting for. Till then, we will keep watering our old stems, nourish our soil and make it ready for some new bearings. We will nurture it with some additional love.

If incase things turn out different, not so affluent, then we would just be those autumn leaves, who lived their life in bliss; until the moment the sun was there, enjoyed the color it had in spring and leave gracefully.

I have loved Paulo Coelho so much. In his ‘The Alchemist’, he says, “When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.” So, I am hopeful things will turn around better and this strive will definitely add something new to our platter.

Truly Yours

Love.

A Turn up for the Books (Story of Transformation 35)

       "The whole world opened to me when I learned to read." Mary Mcleod Bethune

       It all started with ‘Muna’, a monthly magazine for children.

     My mom handed me a copy of it one fine day saying "padnu parcha, naya naya kura taha huncha" (Reading helps in your exploration). I was in grade one, maybe. I went through the pages one by one fascinated by those beautiful pictures. I realized it had stories written by students. I wanted to write one.

        Sort of words; I realized.

        Even these days when I sit down to write, I feel; I am sort of words, I am not good at vocabularies... I am stuck most of the times when it comes to prepositions. 

"Should I use ‘on’ or ‘ín’ here?" I struggle. 

       I hesitate to call myself a writer because I feel like writers are the most intelligent person and the tag writer bongs on my head with the question ‘Do I qualify to call myself a writer?’

     I stumble to answer it. But yes what I would be happy to call myself is an amateur who doesn’t want to quit writing as it lets me express. It lets me dream.

      “Sorry, I drifted away. I am not going to write about writing today.”

     “Yes, that’s why I am not a writer. I keep on drifting away from my context.” J

      So, ‘Muna’ brought me to a whole new world of reading. Living in a nuclear family where both my parents were busy in work, and with no friends around the neighborhood, I used to be home alone most of the times and during those moments, books were my only companion.

      Reading was first a compulsion, then fascination and now a survival. I call it my basic need. If you are close to me you know, I can live without rice (staple food of Nepal) but not without books. I don’t realize when ‘Muna’ turned into Shakespeare and into Oscar Wilde and into Daniel Goleman. It just happened.

     

 I enjoy reading all genres, all writers, both poetry and prose, fiction and non-fiction. What I feel is I would have lost into the darkness of loneliness if it weren’t books, I would have never reflected about my deeds if it weren’t writers like Matthieu Richard. I would have never loved my beloved so deeply if I had never learned that love can be so deep like that of Juliet. I would have never been a feminist if it wasn’t Virgina Woolf.

      Books show me my own shift in perspective. I had generated a different meaning out of ‘Shirish ko Ful’ when I read it the first time when I was in grade 12 and then when I read it the second time in my undergrad, I realized that book was way beyond what I had inferred.

     Those lifeless pages have given life to me and not only to me but to so many other people.

Today I am sharing the list of books that friends on my Facebook shared as the one that changed their life in some ways. The list isn’t in any particular order.

1. Rich Dad Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki

2.  Harry Potter by JK Rowling'

3. Peer-e-Kamil by Umera Ahmed

4. The 8^th Habit by Stephen Covey

5. Biography of Warren Buffett by Lawrence A. Cunningham

6. Who moved my cheese? by Spencer Johnson

7. Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse

 8. The Fountain Head by Ayn Rand

 9. Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad

 10. Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman

11. Personality by Swami Vivekananda

12.  The Diamond Sutra by Osho

13. The Argumentative Indian by Amartya Sen

14. Jane Ayre by Charlotte Bronte

15. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

16. The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg

17.  Gulmohar English Reader (A Secondary level English Book)

18. Goldmund and Narcissus - Herman Hesse

I strongly believe that this list of books will definitely bring a new perspective in your life. I would love to learn your viewpoint as for me reading is not just going through the words of the writer but it's also giving your perspective to it.

Finally, if you are wondering how can you grow your love for reading or just wanting to share whatever you have read, don’t hesitate to join us in our weekly reading session ‘Reader’s Circle’https://www.facebook.com/events/640249989517770/.   

Post Box 7

Painted on 27th August, 2017

To you

With the darkest love,

“Love me as I am, not as you wish me to be”.

I happened to read this quote. It should have made me feel like I am the luckiest among all the women in this world for you have accepted me the way I am but for some reasons it made me feel sad.

I felt disappointed for the reason that I met you when I am not in my best self.  I look at myself and wonder is this the real me? So many questions keep popping up inside my head (most of them, the unnecessary ones). J Sometimes I feel how beautiful it would have been if we had been together few years back or may be few years later. I would have loved you with so much of dignity and congeniality.

Currently, when I am most of the time all lost in my darkest thoughts, I don’t feel like you deserve all these darkness in your life. When I should have been adding happiness in your life, I feel like being a burden.

But then again, my heart leaps up when I find you around. When you smile it gives me the most blissful feeling. When I shift my thoughts to you, a different emotion fills me up. You have that positive aura that nobody has.

Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for showering me with your love. Thank you for giving me a reason to feel good about myself. Most of all thank you for embracing my darkest self.

I hope to get well soon and wish to love you someday with all my goodness.

Truly yours

Love.

The Run

Picture Credit: ak6.picdn.net

The clock stroke 1 am.

Midnight passed.

Within a few hours the sun will be beaming in happiness with its rosy shades. It’s a usual routine but she wanted the morning to beam soon. She desired a new hope to run down her nerves soon.

For, she knew with the passing of this night her ghouls of thoughts shall pass on too. Only she knows how difficult it is for her to run away from that black phantom. The sudden urge of dying had again stroked her mind with the temptation to cut her nerves.

Blood…

She imagined herself drowned in blood.

She changed her mind and wanted to hang herself up into that blank ceiling.

Ughh! She got frightened with her own dark self.

She kept on asking questions to herself which she knew no one could answer even her own self. She wondered if she had known herself or not.

She kept on reminding herself not to get provoked for the disaster for; she won’t be able to see her love again, there are people who count on her, there are people who loved her and will never be able to love anyone again if she chose any of those routes.

She looked herself in the dark mirror with her watery eyes. She saw herself not different than any ghosts. She was already dead in her soul and that urged her strongly to take her life from her body as well.

She blamed herself for all those negative interpretations surrounding her. She looked around and asked what was wrong that made her think that way.

She didn’t find any answer.

“Are you lonely?”

“No”

“Have you gone through any misfortune recently?

“No”

“Then, what’s the trigger that wanted you to give up your life?”

She stumbled on her own questions. The tragedy is she wanted to die again for she had all those thoughts without any reason.

She had been running away from death. She did it that night as well and hoped the other night shall pass soon.

She feared if she will get tired of running. 

Drugged Love

Picture Credit: Tumblr

His gaze always intoxicated me.

I felt as if I wanted to plunge into the depth of his eyes and never return.

“Ahh!”

The little cupid woke.

My cell phone started dancing on Adle’s song “To make you feel my love”.

“Shoot, it was him calling.” I blushed.

My heart froze. The naughty cupid started teasing me.

“Hey, shall we have dinner outside today” He spoke from the other side.

“Yeah… Sure” my heart answered.

Bang…

My brain hit me. I was searching some words of excuse.

“I will be waiting you at Alina’s at 7.”

The call hung up.

With so much of excitement, I had a quick shower. I chose to wear the dress that I had bought recently. It had the color of the red wine, intense violet; round necked and quarter sleeved. It was long and flowing. I completed my look with a dark red strawberry lipstick.

I rushed towards Baneswor. I didn’t want to keep him waiting.

“Yes”

I was absolutely on time. I looked around and found a place at the corner. I was eagerly waiting for him. I had never realized time moves so slowly.

The clock showed it was 8. Slowly the hour dial hit 9 and I thought I had to leave.

When I was just ready to leave, I found him running towards me.

“Sorry, I had to stay back at office because of a small party organized by my friend.” He said in a lowly voice.

I was angry but the passion for him was stronger than that.

“It’s ok.” I said with a smile.

The waiter came forward to aware us that the kitchen is going to close, so we need to order fast.

He didn’t give any reply. He just held my hand and got me outside the restaurant. He asked me to sit behind him.

I didn’t dare to ask him why and where he was going to take me. I guess, his inebriation was so strong with in me.

I agreed.

His bike flew and landed in front of his home. Without any word, he pulled me into his bed room. I felt a strong wind blowing inside me. My heart pounded.

“Am I at the right place?”

In split of a second, he was just an inch far from me and I could sense a strong odor.

I wished it was something good. My nose was disappointed. When it was just trying to figure out what it was of, my tongue was the first to find it out. 

His hand started to dance on my bare back, all thanks to the backless robe that I had worn. Though unexpected and bland, I tried to drift my mind and enjoy the moment, as it was my very first kiss.

He suddenly stopped and said, “I am sorry, Rubina”

“Who is Rubina?” I muttered with my smeared lips. He had tasted my strawberries very carelessly.

In his drunkenness, he asked in return, “who are you?”

***

My cell phone blinked with a message.

“Hey, yesterday I was heavily drunk. Did I do anything wrong? I am sorry. Can we meet again? I want to apologize.”

I went to the bathroom and had a quick shower. I washed away the intoxication that was still heaving me.

I peeped my heart. My little cupid was snoring. I wished him to never wake up as people feel for him only when they are drunk. And I hate to be loved when drugged.

Post Box 6

To you,

the man, I never want to lose.

Well! I am all aware about the impermanence of life. Its fragility is what makes it so precious. I know how much I try to hold you with me, some day you will be gone. I may never find you in front of me, though you will always be in my head. I guess more in my heart. Because I don't rely on this sordid brain. You know I am an emotional being. Umm! Actually, an emotional mess. Doctors have proven it. 

Looking into your eyes every day has become a schedule. It's more of like a mirror to me in which I can see my most beautiful reflection being projected. I am mean and I want them every day till the day I live. When my eyes will have those dark lobes around and my chubby cheeks will finally wrinkle, at that point too, I know it's only your eyes that will find me beautiful.

Yes, your touch is magical. A simple hug from you takes away all my pain. I don't have to mention how I feel when you kiss me. I had always believed love as a giving and giving you all my love surprisingly doesn't make me feel empty rather it's a very fulfilling feeling. 

I can never challenge death. I never will. But it's said death always bestows one special wish to everyone before it takes away the life. So, this girl who desires nothing but being with her love by her side all her life wants her death in his arms.

“Hello! Death!

If you are listening from somewhere and wish to grant me something, don't ask me just take me with you before him for losing him is what I can't afford. You know I have nothing but him.”

So, dear you! Here I acknowledge myself selfishness and ask a death for 'me before you'. And I am aware that this is my very first innate wish that I am asking for and I am still on my birthday week. So, I know it has the high chance of being fulfilled as this is going to be my last wish too.

I love you.

Yours truly

Love

Flaunting the Imperfect Stories (Story of Transformation 33)

“Let’s talk about imperfect bodies.”

Okay, let me start with myself.

I recently got diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), in simple terms imbalance in hormones.

If you look at it simply, it’s just that your hormones are not functioning properly, but the consequences is really alarming. I gained 10 kilos of weight within a week and my face got covered with acne. And my doctor predicted that it may take couple of years to find a balance in my hormones.

I got worried.

No, not because of those weight and the acne. Yes, I felt bad about the sudden change but more than that the hormonal imbalance gave me million unnecessary mood swings. I started to get irritated easily and sadness started to haunt me.

It has already been three months and I am far better now.  You can find me happy and smiling again. But in these, three months, what people noticed was my extra weight and acne. They didn’t find that I had stopped laughing the way I used to. They didn’t see me going through that terrible stomach ache when I used to shiver even when I was talking to them. I had other several problems but every day I used to get suggestions of how I have to lose my weight because I am still single. They thought hiding aches should be my priority every morning because I could find my prince charming any time at any moment.

“Actually, why wouldn’t they suggest me that way?”

After all, we all, at least my contemporaries, all grew up reading and watching ‘Snow White’ and ‘Cindrella’. Every day there is a revelation of products that would hide our acne.

But, this incident took me back to my undergrad days when I was slim, umm! Actually thin. People would always suggest me to eat and gain some weight and again with the same purpose.

So, what is the perfect shape of our body?

What is perfection?

Google it.
Yes, we can for it gives us millions of wonderful definition of perfection.

Today, let’s hear the stories of imperfection.

She doesn’t want to reveal her name, but she shared “My first love said that his possibility of dating me would increase by 90% if I lost my weight. I didn't eat anything for a week and got really very weak; couldn't stand up, my legs would tremble.”

What a brilliant mathematician he seems to be!

But is that really his fault?

Diplove Gautam, Foundation Director at Bouddha Inn Meditation Center, considers that the thought of imperfection is an illusion, the self that our society creates for us. Unconsciously we become the victim of negative self-interpretation.

Roshan Dhungel, now, a Teach For Nepal Fellow shared an experience related to it.  “The thin lark body; never let me get out of my thoughts.”

The six packed tight body displayed in every hoarding boards and magazines made him question the body type girls would really get attracted for during his high school days. He kept on blaming himself for eating too much and working out less. The feeling went so deep that he started hating himself for not being able to attract anyone with his small face, long nose, and thin body with small arms.

Perfect body image is a constant issue faced by everyone, given how the standard of perfection is set by others. Every perfect or imperfect (whatever adjective you choose) body has a story to celebrate about. Kabeeta Shah, an undergrad student, felt sad when her tight stomach turned into a little fatty stomach after she couldn’t manage time properly for the sports that she used to play. However what she chooses now is fit body over a perfect or imperfect body these days.

Yes, flawless bodies share their own flawless story. But don’t you think those perfect stories are all made-up just as those photo shopped perfection. Because, in reality our life is filled with blemishes, scars, lumps, invisible pain and silence and all these somehow manifest in our body. And interestingly, while some people pinpoint your flaws, the other group of people crave for your features.

Asmita Gyawali, an MBA student, discloses her story of accepting her body in a beautiful way.

“I can state flaws of each and every part of my body; from my hair to my toes. Believe me, each and every part! But it is surprising to see how many girls come up to me and wish that they had features like mine. I never used to like my lips because they are uneven. My girl friends say that they'd want nothing else if they had lips like mine. Then, I started to accept that I have best of both world; a thin lip as well as thick.”

Accepting our body is about claiming our imperfect bodies completely. It is embracing the truth pain and joy that our bodies have carved in them and then transforming that into a story of what it means to live and walk around in that form.

Whatever we say, I agree that there are definitely going to be the days when we look at the full-length mirror and despise the reflection. But, the fact is we have it that way and we have to live with it then why not accept it and be happy. I would love to conclude my lines with those of Asmita’s, “I am to live with my body, why should I tire myself thinking constantly bad about it? I can just love it!”

A Delightful Flight

Amazingly beautiful they looked,
when they flocked back in their group.
The sky was quite dark,
sun was slowly leaving its mark;
the group slowly fluttered its wings.
May be they had thousand miles to flip.
Chitter chatter, they called their friends;
soaring high like a legend.
Graduall, they reached those clouds
I guess, they had someone to scout
to take them back home
sothat they could sleep sound in thier dome.

म, एक भ्रम

न म तिम्रो अतितमा थिए,
न म तिम्रो भविष्य नै हु ।
त्यसैले मलाई वर्तमानमा पच्छ्याउने नगर,
म केवल तिम्रो भ्रम मात्र हु ।

तिमी जस्तो ठुलो सपनाको शहर म देख्दिन ।
तिमीलाई थाहा नै छ, म ती सुनौला गहनाहरुमा रम्दिन ।
म अझै नि उड्ने गर्छु
मेरो आफ्नै कल्पनाको दुनियामा,
जहां मैले पोतेका रंगहरु तिमीलाई फिक्का लाग्छन् ।
मेरो संसार तिमीलाई सानो लाग्छ,
अनि मेरा शब्दहरु अर्थहिन ।

शुन्दरताको तिमी पुजारी पर्यौ
म त अझै भावना मै विश्वास गर्छु ।
माफि नदिएकी हैन तिमीलाई
यत्ति हो म अचेल म आफुलाई धेरै माया गर्छु ।

Post Box 5

Painted on 16th July, 2017

To you,

With an evergreen love,

The city has turned green; green bangles, green heena and green kurtis. They say this is the month of love where green represents the growth and renewal of love. It’s so interesting when you color yourself green to turn all red in love just as the color of heena.

It’s said the darker the color, darker the love.

“Do you believe in it?”

Haha!

“May be.”

“Okay, let me come to the point.”

As you know, I don’t believe in all these rituals, heena doesn’t excite me in that sense. I don’t color my hands just to wait and see if you love me or not. I don’t ask for your long life in the bangles I wear as you know I am more on to earrings. (haha)

Albeit,

I do believe in the color of love. I do want our love to be fresh and beautiful. I do want us to grow old together. I want our love to find its own color. 

How beautiful it would be to find a new shade so that it would turn out extra ordinary in this ordinary world?

Oh! It reminds me that my small world has started to become colorful. It has all the colors in it, that too in its truest and darkest form. I swear, I haven’t mixed any chemicals. J

Happy Shrawan,

With loads of love.

Truly yours

Love

Post Box 4

x

Painted on July 1, 2017

To you,

with an imperfect love,

With this growing closeness, I guess, you must have already figured out a lot about me. I am an imperfect character; an imperfect daughter, an imperfect sister, an imperfect friend.  I am flawed when it comes to relationships.

Wait!

The list is longer.

I can’t write the words as perfect as I had thought. I can’t paint as beautiful as I had imagined. I can’t teach as perfect as I had planned. I am a messed up person with no perfect goals, no perfect destination to set for and no perfect way to present myself.

You may say these imperfections doesn’t matter to you. But, my dear, the problem is I do have an imperfect heart, which deduces that even my love is imperfect. I don’t know the perfect time to talk to you, the perfect setting to meet you, the perfect attire to wear when with you and perfect issues to talk about with you.

Sometimes, I feel even my touch is imperfect. When I look at your intoxicating eyes, I realize the imperfection of my gaze. As you can see, I have an imperfect body.

I wish I was perfect for you. I wish at least my heart was perfect for you, not because I want everything perfect but because, your presence is so perfect in my life. My imperfect heart floats all in your love in this imperfect world.

Amid these imperfections, the truth is the person whom you are growing close with is herself. She doesn’t pretend to be someone else. She doesn’t want perfection even in you. She knows these imperfections are what makes her. And embracing all these imperfections within herself, she hugs you tight.

Yes, her hug is also imperfect but dear love, I just want to share a secret, you are the only person whom she has hugged so tight with all those gushing imperfect lovable feelings.

Truly yours,

Love

Kathmandu: A Mother Lode of Experiences (Story of Transformation 32)

It is what he does every evening. He has his own side of the road where he places his chana chatpat truck and sells his chatpatey and panipuri. I look at his pots of grams and peas and bujiya and chillies and lemonades. They are no different than those I used to eat at my hometown Itahari, but yes, the stories those vendors share is extremely different. I found that few days back when his share of place was empty for quite a week.

When I could enjoy his panipuris again, I asked him where had he been. He with a wide grin on his face shared he had been to Janakpur. I could sense his joy as he started sharing about his family at Janakpur and how he had come to Kathmandu to meet their needs. Kathmandu for him is a madhouse, where he says he can drift the attention of the confused people with his mouthwatering panipuris.

Another share of the very road is of corn vendor didi, who is here from Karnali for her children. Roasting the corn she gasps, how her children, for whom she had shifted her place, are now ashamed of what she does for their living. Kathmandu is a grey area for her, where she has lived half of her life but could never belong.

Kathmandu!!

“But that’s the paradox of expectations; they are infamous for generally never being fulfilled.” I borrow the words of Kundan Dutta Chaudhary to describe Kathmandu.

Kathmandu had always been my dreams.

You will definitely know what I mean and how much I mean it if you have spent your childhood outskirts of this capital city. Yes, I had heard about the pollution. I was also aware about the scarcity of resources here. My parents were apprehensive when I first shared my whim of coming here alone. But, they permitted me and living here for five years, now, when I look back, I must thank Kathmandu for giving me the guts that I have right now. 

I know it’s not the place but the experiences that shape you but interestingly Kathmandu provides you with all those bitter sweet unique stories which you can never live elsewhere.

It’s interesting when landlords don’t offer their rooms to single young lady but they never bother to ask where their husband is when they are told, she is married.

“Haha. Don’t you believe this?”

Actually I am the proof. I rented a room for a year calling myself married. I find this one the most hilarious part of my life. There are so many other experiences.

Among the people I know, I have found Sweta Gyanu Baniya, the one, so much in love with her birthplace Kathmandu. The way she expresses her love for Kathmandu makes others fall in love with the place. Now, doing her Ph.D. in USA, she shares, “Kathmandu feels so close. I belong here and nowhere else.”

But, for someone who left their place for Kathmandu can also feel the same amount of closeness with the place because they have lived their dreams here. They have given their heart and soul for their city of hope. They have seen their transformation as a person. For us, Kathmandu doesn’t only represent Nepal but a dreamland where everyone aspires to move one day. Ashish Dev, who was fortunate enough to move here from Saptari in his childhood feels that “the rush and the busyness of Kathmandu leads some new people to think that this is ‘hell’ but actually it’s the epitome of the modern world.”

Yes, I call him fortunate because there are people like Anita Tamang who had lived their life dreaming about Kathmandu all their childhood. Resident of Nuwakot, Anita shares, “I was desperate about coming to Kathmandu. It was a foreign land for me where I dreamed of going to a good school and living a grand life. For me this city had all the merits. However, when I finally shifted to this place, I realized it also had all the evils. Apart from all of these, what I believe is this place gives you the guts to fulfill your dreams not because it has opportunities but because there’s no one to lean onto.” She adds, “Your friend no more becomes your friend. Everyone is running after a race of survival, that too, alone.”

It’s just like what Darwin explains in his theory ‘struggle for existence’ for those who move here from another place. And for those, who are born here this place has taught them to believe in hard work. Juni Deshar shares, “When I see and hear the stories of my friends who have moved here from their villages and are struggling to fulfill their dreams, I really get inspired. Somehow these stories has helped me shape my future that I have thought for myself, the plans that I have made. I am not talking about the big struggles and achievement one has to go through here, but all those little adjustments one has to make financially and socially is worth appreciating.”

Yes, this place has its own aura. The stories aren’t always beautiful. Many people lost themselves in the urge of finding a new self. For many, their stories are never heard. To some, it’s a place of innovation. What I have realized is Kathmandu makes everyone adopt a persona and sometimes people do fail to carry their originality when adopting it.

For me Kathmandu has made me become strong at the same time vulnerable. It has made me feel free but at the same time bounded with the choices I make. I would have never passed through so many temples all my life if it wasn’t Kathmandu but it has made me atheist because even after walking through every doors, prayers are unheard. It has made me become aware of my strengths but at the same time I find myself stuck here.

Putting everything aside, when I reflect how this place has transformed me as a person, I resonate with what my school mate Mahesh Thapa has to say, “Kathmandu taught me to survive no matter how big the problem is.” Yes, Kathmandu in its own subtle way transformed me as a person and I guess several others in their process of becoming. 

साथी तिमी आएनौ ।

साथी तिमी आएनौ । 

झिसमिसे विहानीमा सम्झाए थे मैले तिमीलाई

साथी, आज भेट्नु पर्छ है । 

अनि मीठा मीठा कुरा गर्नुपर्छ, 

तिम्रा शब्द र मेरा शब्द बिचमा

जुहारी चलाउनुपर्छ, 

भाखा मिलाउनुपर्छ, 

शब्द मै आशा व्यक्त गर्नुपर्छ,, 

निराशा पोख्नुपर्छ,

शब्द मै हांस्नुपर्छ,

अनि शब्द मै तिम्रो र मेरो मित्रताको बखान गर्नुपर्छ । 

मध्यान्नमा पनि फेरी सम्झाए मैले तिमीलाई 

साथी आऊ है तिमी । 

आज धेरै दिनदेखी गुम्सीएर मनभित्र रहेका शब्दहरुलाई बाहिर निकाल्नुपर्छ, 

नचिन्ने भए होलान् सायद तिम्रा मेरा शब्द आजभोलि, 

धेरै भयो नि हामी नभेटेको, 

एकपल्ट फेरी परिचय गराउनुपर्छ । 

मुसुक्क हासेर जवाफ फर्कायौ तिमीले 

अनि म हतार हतार,

नगरी श्रंगारपटार 

दौडिदै आए 

मनमा अनेकन शब्द संगाल्दै 

तिमीलाई सुनाउन

तिमीसंग फेरी एकपल्ट शब्दहरुको गीत गुनगुनाउन

तर साथी, 

अंहं तिमी आएनौ 

खैर, केही छैन 

तिमी निस्ठुरी भए नि मेरा शब्द निस्ठुरी छैनन्

वर्षदैछन् फेरी पनि । 

एक्लै भएर के भो ? 

शब्दको आखिर काम नै यही हो । 

एकान्तमा भावनाको  साथ दिने 

व्यग्रतामा आशाको विज रोप्ने 

अनि फेरी निराशामा नि 

मलाई हांस्न सघाउने ।