Letter from a Fearful Wife: Love in the time of Corona

16th May 2020

11:37 PM

Dear Husband,

You are right next to me. I know I am one of the few lucky ones who is being able to spend her days of physical distancing with the person she loves. I had never realized living together with the person you love and care about would be so healing during a crisis like these. Though I had never underestimated your presence in my life, the current reality in itself has magnified the importance of shared love, understanding, and hope.

Life has become an open book; everything has gone virtual. After I complete writing this, as you know I shall also be choosing social media to share my feelings with you. This is how I am, you know; a woman who loves to express her deepest feelings in her words and keeps it open for judgment to anyone who might happen to visit her profile. I am grateful that you have accepted me with all my choices, all my flaws, and all my vices.

Completely different personalities we are. You love to sleep early. I love to work at night. You meditate. I paint. You quietly ruminate turning off the lights. I use all my forces to find the prettiest light in the market to decorate our room. But those 365 days with you just flew by. Neither we had any disagreements for how different we were, nor we made any compromises for how similar we needed to be. We have submerged and now have become one. Life has become fluid with you.

As much as I have come to love you more, I have also started to become more fearful; that constant fear of losing you. The fear of living a life without you. With everything happening around, we have come to realize how trivial we as human beings are. All the inventions that humans were proud of till now don’t make any sense to what fortune we might land up to. As you were preparing to sleep tonight, news popped on my mobile screen that confirmed the death of a nursing mother after being infected by the virus. My heart goes out to the newborn who is unaware of whatever is going around. 

But this has escalated the terror that I had somewhere inside me. I know this shall subside, most probably after I complete writing this letter to you. But this is how I am feeling right now.

We both hear the murmur of our neighbors every evening as they break the inhuman silence of this city with their grocery visits and realize the running fear that is inside all of us. As we have become closer than ever, the terror has also grown more than ever with this increasing uncertainty. You know my love for you was never less but this crisis has made that very love unfathomable now. It is a mixture of feelings when I feel powerful as well as powerless at the same time; powerful for being you by my side, and powerless in your love. Nothing shall beat this surmounting love but I feel defeated by something very inconsequential at the same time.

My heart leaps up to shout and say that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But my lips get sealed as I stand in this reality and see what’s going around. As the night is growing and the clock is striking to let me know that it has become another day, I only hope that may we live the rest of our lives together sharing our love but differentiating our spaces just like the ways we have been doing up until now.

With grit and gratitude

Truly yours

What a Pandemic it is to be a Female Educator!

What a pandemic it is to be a female educator!

Three weeks ago, I poured on my dissatisfaction with one of my close friends who had organized a talk series about the impact of online teaching and learning in the education sector about why his series had no female educators as a speaker.

“We did it in a hurry and realized what a mistake we had done.” He answered accepting the blunder.

Last week, I huffed and puffed around working as one of the core members of a virtual conference which was bringing national and international speakers on the same. I didn’t want to repeat the same blunder and was asking our team to make the panel gender-inclusive right from the beginning. The outcome; we had one female speaker among the ten speakers that too from the United States of America.

Whose mistake was it?

This question has been lingering in my head.

The answer is no one.

The problem was neither with the intention of my male team members; they never thought female educators were less capable, nor it was the problem of all the female educators who declined our invitation.

When social media is flooded with #WorkfromHome slogans, I wonder how many women are juggling to find a balance between office work and the household chores.

Amid this chaos, being able to peep in closely into the households of few of my female colleagues who are a crucial part of a team enthusiastically walking on the path to becoming the trailblazers of interactive online education, I feel for the other female educators too. I can understand how for so many female educators working from home and advocating for online education is a burden. I can understand how they are expected to be teaching while at the same time cooking meals for their family. I can make sense of why they are turning off their camera while they are talking to their students because on the other side they are patting their crying toddlers.

Married female educators are facing greater challenges than unmarried ones. It doesn't mean that unmarried women aren't having any issues. Some relatives and friends might think that if you’re at home you must be available for long lunches or emergency chores. When teaching itself wasn't considered a profound profession in our society, working from home and teaching online isn't being taken that seriously by so many of our families.

Who is to blame for this? The families or especially the husbands?

I don't know. 

What I know is that in one way or the other our society bounds us with untold expectations and a sense of perfectionism. Work from home has broken the barrier of what females need to fulfill as a mother, a wife, an employee, a sister, a teacher as separate and made it wholesome. This notion has now slowly started to become a mindset that both men and women are carrying inside their heads. When we are talking about the new normal that we are shifting into, we are ignoring the untold new normal that our families are unknowingly transferring to the new generation that household chores are always the work of women and when they work from home, kitchen, children, family, and husband must be their first priority. Hidden values and models from our cultures, families and other sources are still influencing our choices in ways that we often don’t anticipate or understand and that have far-reaching consequences for our lives. As I am writing this, I am not here to blame any males or any family members because I have seen some of my male friends and colleagues being very careful about sharing the responsibilities of both home and children.

Recently, one of my Instagram friends sent a direct message writing “you are a lucky woman to have found your husband” on the story that had me and my husband dancing after a long week. I replied, "I think it is the other way around for him too.” In cases like these, I wonder whether my husband is supportive because he genuinely is a flawless human being or is it because I have shared my need for space and need for his equal contribution in whatever we decide to do. The answer is the latter. Not only him, we both make mistakes about each other if we assume about the roles and support that we are expecting but having an open and honest conversation helps. I understand this holds true in my case as I have the privilege of expressing in front of my husband and my in-laws which might not be true for so many other females working from home.

Therefore, I think in this pandemic as we are cleansing our hands, a little cleansing of our mindset would definitely make our lives better.  A little self-reflection with a pinch of self-acceptance comes handy along with the sanitizers we are using this pandemic.

Soulmates and Heartbreaks

“How did you find your soulmate?”

Since the day I got married, I have been getting this question in one form or other. People are interested to know if we ever fight or not. The scrutiny is more as we run an organization that talks about building meaningful relationships.

“Why did you get married to him?”

“Does he have all the qualities that you were looking for in a husband?”

These are some other forms of questions that people want answers to.

Frankly speaking, I had never ever imagined what my potential husband would be like. But yeah, I have had enough heartbreaks to know the kind of person I never wanted to have as my husband. I know he too has had experienced enough heartbreaks to understand the kind of person he wants to stand strong 24/7 with.

Finding each other and reaching to the conclusion of getting married isn’t that easy. We have to go through enough self-discovery to accept the fact that just like us, our partners also have flaws in them. We have to accept ourselves so well to finally admit that we can stand with that other in their thick and thin. Interestingly, most of the times, the journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance comes from heartbreaks, painful heartbreaks.

There are encounters with thousands of people but we connect only with hundreds. Out of hundreds, we are in touch with the fifties and then there are only ten of them whom you choose to share your pleasures and pains. Out of those ten, there is that only one with whom you can see yourself growing together with. It doesn’t mean that the others weren’t good enough for us or we weren’t good enough for them. Sometimes it’s about the distance. Sometimes it’s about dreams. Sometimes it’s about conversations and sometimes it’s about wellbeing.

Here, I would just like to stress upon the fact that Sagar and I are best friends, simply best friends trying to navigate the complex road of life together. We are two imperfect beings trying to walk an imperfect path holding each other firm because we know what it means to go through a heart break and walk alone.

Yes, it reads less romantic for a newly married couple but we understand the pain of romantic heartbreak. We are just growing into each other every day, trying to learn something new about each other moment to moment, trying to help each other become better versions of ourselves.

A note of reflection; we have found each other not because we went in search of our soulmates rather by being aware and learning after each heartbreak. Heartbreaks, sometimes by a person and sometimes by fate.

An old student remembers on my special day!

Dear Miss,

I’ve never been so happy by just watching someone’s post. The smile on your face gives a feeling to forget everything and just smile in your happiness with you.

I still remember the day when you entered grade 8 as our English teacher, the day when you shared the idea of awarding “Student of the Month”. I remember how I used to try to do my best in everything in your class. I remember when my marks dropped drastically; everyone else scolded for not studying well and not scoring good marks, they even told me that I would ruin my father’s name in society. It was only you and Seetu Miss who asked, “What’s going on? Is everything fine? How are you feeling these days?” 

I remember coming to the teachers’ room and crying my heart out. I remember you saying, “It’s okay to cry, you’ll feel light”. That day, everyone in my class bullied me saying, “Eww! You’re such a cry baby!”.  I always tried to show others that I’m strong enough to not cry in front of everyone. I still remember the day when you were angry with me ( for not having completed my assignment). I even remember what you said at that time,” I’d expected better from you. What’s happening?" 

Miss! remember first day of School Leaving Certificate exam? I was so happy when I finished my English paper and the only  person that came in my mind was you. =You were standing at the gate because they didn’t allow anyone to come inside. You asked me how my exam was from afar and I said "sooo good”.  You hugged me and were clapping and jumping in joy. 

Despite having a busy schedule, you helped us so much in applying to United World College. Though we didn’t make it, it was a great learning experience. Ma'am, you’ve changed the lives of hundreds of people including me and I know you will keep on doing this, you will keep on sharing all the positivity that you have in you. I’ve never been able to express how lucky I feel to have you in my life. I don’t even have words to tell you every single thing that I want you to hear but one thing that I would like to say today and always is this: You have been a great inspiration to me. I feel so blessed and fortunate that our paths crossed. I got a sister, a friend and a teacher when I got you, miss! I love you!!! I don’t say this always and I don’t even know why I don’t do that but all I want to say at the moment is: 

Thank you so much for everything you did! Thank you for not just fulfilling the duties of being a teacher but also being a friend when needed. I really hope that you keep on smiling this way; today and always and I wish you a wonderful married life!

Sincerely Yours,

The Leftover

Since you left me, I know I have lost myself.

I have lost that self that was sure about the return. I believed everything returns; the good and the bad, the happiness and the sorrow. Now, I have stopped believing in the phenomenon of 'give and receive'.

How could you not call me back when you had promised you would?

How could I not receive my love back what I had given you unconditionally?

How could I not…?

Your voice still gives a jolt to my heart. I know you are nowhere there, except inside the players I have captured your voice in, expect in the pictures that you are trapped in, except in the words that I have locked you in, except in the memories that I couldn’t block you in. 

I know you are nowhere around but you haunt me. You have become that ghoul I always fear. I feared your presence and how horrifying it is, I fear your absence as well. 

Days passed, months flew by and years did the same but you haunt me still today. 

Acceptance is surreal. I have moved on. I am in a happy place, yet the moment you left haunts me. I fear to lose again. I have grown anxious. I miss my independent self that feared nothing; nothing at all. Even your absence didn’t matter then, then why does it matter now? 

I even fear to answer the rhetorical questions I ask. 

Was it that I didn’t love you?

Or, was it that I loved you so bad and never will be able to love again?

Or, is it I am madly in love now and fear what it actually is to lose someone you truly love? 

I chose to accept. I choose to accept. I will choose to accept. 

Albeit, there are traces of you that haunts me now and then. You creep inside me. 

I fear. 

I tremble. 

I feel lost. 

I feel I am no more myself; my independent self. 

I sometimes feel you are still around me. I am skeptical about the sight of that burning pyre. I feel I am sitting in an exam where I am being tested of my patience.

"How long can you resist my absence?"

You question me. 

I am being graded. 

I stayed. I stayed until I could. 

But then now let me go back to myself; that fluttering self which roamed around searching her alone time. I don’t like this anxiety. I am fearful of this anxious attachment. I am fearful of this ifs and buts. I am fearful to lose once again. And you are the reason for it. Stop judging my patience. Stop haunting me. 

With your loss, I lost a part of me. 

Rebirth of that part has made me whole again but sometimes I hate this anxious incarnation of me. I want to return to that avoidant self who loved everyone unconditionally then too but let them be on their own. Because I knew they would call me back. But you didn’t and that changed everything. 

Here again, I accept the leftover from your absence. 

Edifying Fascination of Death

Acrylic inspired from Dan Pearce
Painted on 24th March, 2018

I wonder how profound death can be. Looking at how it encroaches your wellbeing at the most uncertain time, I wonder how astounding it is. It feels like slowly I am falling in love with this unpredictability. I am growing a strong fascination for this sophistication. This love doesn't, in any way, mean a cumbersome challenge to death. 

Who am I?

A miniature. 

But this beauty has left me feeling vacant thousands of times. It has made me question my own existence every moment. This death has made me aware of what I really vouch for in my life. It is death that has made me realize how beautiful my life is. Its unpredictability is what makes me get out of my bed just to greet my love with a warm smile. It has made me realize how daunting it must be to live every day with the fear that you won't be able to touch your loved ones anymore. Let alone touch, you won't be able to see them. 

How you wish if there was no death you would go and ask for forgiveness that you didn't intentionally hurt her. How you wish if there was no death you would ask for one more day just to share how much you loved your partner. How you wish if there was no death you would thrive each moment to give happiness to your child. 

But then there comes death just to make you realize, "I am here, shower love with your presence."

Now, wouldn't you too fall in love with this profound death? 

Dear death,

I am falling for you. Will you be my one-sided love? 

It's a unique proposal I know but as much as I love you, I fear you too. I am in love with your invisibility as I am unsure what apocalypse you may come along with. However, until the day you won't reciprocate my love, I long to love my beloved.

Post Box 3

To you,

with an enduring love,

Right now, I am not being able to sleep. I can feel my belly churning. It seems like my ovary is high today. (haha) The pimples on my face are giving me some extra pain, actually the one that has popped just right on my left cheekbone is the one troubling the most.

“No, not because of its size but because it is at the place where my glass frame holds on. Thus, each time my glass teases it, it makes a deep cry.”

I would have endured these physical pain but I am slowly draining down mentally and emotionally and that is affecting me the most. I can see me slowly changing, not as someone who is high on life but as someone who is there leaving every part of her joyful self.

Why this time is being so cruel?

I had never ever felt ‘Love’ so strong for anyone else in my life. I ask myself the reason for it but I don’t find any answer to it. And interestingly, I am happy that I don’t have any reason to love you. Otherwise how selfish I would have been and how impure my love would have been.

But, look, at this trajectory of life.

Look, at this stupid universe.

It seems like it’s trying to test my love for you. It’s contaminating me with an impure heart where hatred is slowly taking its grip.  My own heart has now started to haunt me. And I question, how can I surpass purity in my love when I am impure myself?

Just some days back it made me realize how precious you are to me. How much I value your presence and what I can do to be with you. And look, now it’s testing my endurance. I think this universe is trying to assess every ounce of my love by making me weak emotionally. It’s burning me out with every passing day and every minute I find myself surrendering in this darkness.

In this pretext, I feel like this universe is assessing if I can endure my love for you even when I am vulnerable. It’s trying to test how I can continue loving you when every ounce of my blood emits hatred for everything that is in this mankind; for life, for the place I am living, the station I am working, the sketches that I have colored, the books that I have always loved, the part of me that I have had always adored. I am hating everything right now.

Dear love,

I am loathing this feeling so, so much.

But, amazingly, right at this moment when I am hating everything around me, even those things that I loved the most, there is only one feeling that I am loving. And that is my love for you. Actually, I am not surprised because loving you is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am realizing, even when I feel contaminated, there is something so pure in me that I can cherish. And that is my love for you.

I know scenarios are changing. With this, I am changing. Slowly, I am turning into a vacuum where I wouldn’t be surprised if I didn’t find anything to be happy about. My demonic mind may order this empty avenging heart to stop pumping blood. It will ask my lungs to stop focusing on my breath. But I feel what I would endure is my everlasting love for you.

My heart will always find a space for you. My breath will always remember the ‘odd and even number counting’ that you made it while inhaling and exhaling it and keep on doing its job. My body will urge me to end this pain as soon as possible but my hands before cutting these veins carrying the blood of life will always remember how much it had loved embracing you.

There may be times, I may not be able to endure any other animate or inanimate being, but what I will keep enduring is my love for you. I believe that I get through every tests that this universe takes when it comes to you.

I love you and will keep loving you.

Truly yours,

Love

Blabbering Heart

This heart had never thudded before this way;loud and rebellious. 

I am feeling it. I am listening it. 

"Is it anxious?"

"Is it nervous?" 

"Is it demanding?" 

"What is it doing?" 

Even the heart doesn't have an answer. But I can see it running. Running, as if it wants to catch something. 
"No, not something." 

Actually it wants to catch this time and own it. It just wants to hold this flow; this surge, this presence. 

"Has this heart gone mad?"
No, it hasn't as it's not a rational being. This heart doesn't have brains. 
"Has it become selfish?"
Yes, it might have. Otherwise, it wouldn't desire to hold this moment. 
"No, actually it's not selfish at all." 
In reality, this heart knows how it's difficult to bring a halt in whatever is going on. It's just being fearful; fearful of losing what it cherishes now. It's scared to be alone again because if it lets the time fly, it would take away the company, this present.

Post Box 1

To you with immense love,

I don’t know the exact date when my love for you turned into a sapling. Actually, it’s interesting that I don’t even remember the day it got planted. Albeit, today when I see it blooming, I have a strong feeling that it must have been pollinated by the wind otherwise I wouldn’t have invested in ploughing, digging and watering my heart for something called ‘love’. I always felt it as an unnecessary labor.

Universe played its part. (I am giggling.)

Painted on 24th May, 2017

I am not sure but I have a feeling that it must have been in and around the fall when there was no hope of germination. Otherwise, I would have of course been wary about it and ran away from it if it was spring, the month of new beginnings.

Aww! Those pollens of love must have tried hard to find some humid secure base for its growth and suddenly they got placed on my barren land.

Interesting isn’t it?

Oh! No, not the timing.

But that I am loving this word ‘LOVE’.

It was a moment of awe for me when I first realized that love actually got seeded inside me. But with each passing days, when I can behold it growing with all its might my heart leaps and I don’t mind watering for its growth. I have suddenly started to become conscious of the heavy rain that might flood my cute little sprout. When the wind comes howling, I am afraid if it plucks it away from its root.

Actually, I had thought of giving it a cover from rain. I also had made up my mind to tie it with a crutch to make it stronger. But then I felt, it must go through the rain and the wind and struggle for its existence. Only then it will get the desired shape of its own. I want it to feel liberated just as I am and just as you are.

Hey, can you see that little bud blooming?

It’s wondrous.

Dark ‘RED’ it is.

That color must have been transpired right from our heart.

I know you too can hear it humming on our melancholic night.

Don’t you think it’s magical?

I smell you in it and I am sure you do smell me in it. Its soft gentle petals makes me realize your texture and I know you remember mine in its every touch.

For it has already started budding, I want it to bloom. Bloom not just red, but green, blue and yellow. Actually, I want to see it blossoming in all the colors. I want it to go dry and fall every season. I don’t want it to stay fragile with stress. Rather, I want them to fall so that it could grow fresh again.

It’s a beauty to our eyes to see the seed of love growing into a strong beautiful tree where we both can shelter in a raging storm of life so that even when it blows, we would have each other holding tight blessed with colorful flowers on each gust.

Truly yours

Love

x

Euphoria

I felt his eyes.

Yes, he had dark eyes and I felt that darkness. My fingers gently moved to and fro on his closed lid. I could feel his sclera and the pupil that were under those dark lids.

Caressing his eyes felt just like caressing his heart.

His hand makes big fist... his heart must be big… My heart chuckled. J

Being a demi sexual, embracing him was the best moment I could ever live.

“Is he reciprocating the same feelings?” Mini me questioned.

Answering it felt less significant as I was overpowered with the heavenly feelings that I was reliving after couple of years of solitude.

No, I wasn’t lonely as I had unbreakable love with myself but it’s also true that there was no one I could really shower my love with and care for.

“Why has he become so important?” bugged on my cute little heart.

Before I could answer this, mini me interrupted and asked again,

“Are your paths similar?

 What if he leaves you for some unconventional reasons?

What if you could never feel him again?

What if this is your last meeting with him?

What if touching you is a momentary pleasure for him?

What if….”

Poor! mini me!

Mini me stammered. I knew she was concerned. But I was more focused on feeling the grace of his hair and the fragrance that his body was emitting.

“You are losing your self. You are being conquered by him.” My mind started annoying me. 

This was an important thought that I needed to address before I progressed on to lock my lips into his. I didn’t want to get disturbed.

We lose ourselves in the things we love. But don’t we find ourselves there too? My heart dauntlessly answered.

Joie de vivre!

I felt him and it doesn’t count whether he felt the same or not. I loved him with my soul and for me it’s the purest joy I could have in my life as I found someone to love to and my mind settled; for it knew finding joy in life is the rarest thing on this planet.

Bliss!

The Cut

There’s a deep hollow. May be because of the cut, which I had just received.

I see blood dripping down…

I can hear the sound. Yeah, it’s flowing slowly…

“Oh! I had been always afraid of blood,” she gasped.  

“Ahh! It’s still churning. Can you feel it?” I roared.

She looked into my eyes with sheer curiosity.

She shrugged her shoulders and nodded to respond no.

“I don’t see any, “she shouted with anxiety.

I mumbled, “The cut is there in the soul.”

To the Moon

Dear Moon,

How can you be so elegant amid that darkness?

Yeah, what a foolish question. 

Actually, why wouldn't you be?

After all, it's the very darkness that add on your beauty. Otherwise, the sun wouldn't let you shine.

Don't you feel angry of that strong bright sun, which is always ready to burn your beauty? Sometimes, I so wish to be just like you; calm, composed and resilient. The poignant posture you maintain is what I vie for.

You have added beauty on my life. I wait for you to evolve out bit by bit just to give me hope that life goes on and I must enjoy each portion of those little moments.

Thank you. I love walking under your radiance.

Love,
Wild Traveller

Ode to those UNWANTED Feelings !!

"Good morning", I said to myself.

I woke up with a whole lot of emotions; all cramped up. I was a bit contemplative, quite lot in rush, somewhat pained, may be more in indignation. With each passing hours, I could feel, my jar of sentiments being stuffed.

I was pissed off.

I was confused.

I was in stress.

I was all ready to burst out.

I was in tears. (No, I didn’t show it. But I was crying.)

“Good afternoon”, the clock greeted me. 

Suddenly, I was blank. I had no feelings, yet I had them. But I couldn’t recognize what I was going through. I can’t name them since they had already mingled with each other and I wasn’t able to figure out actually what I was feeling.

“Did I want to express?” or “Did I want silence?”

A part of me asked to be reflective and asked me to find an answer. However, there was another part, that was also within me that was reluctant to push my heart and mind on it.

I wasn’t able to crack myself. I tried to solve the riddle but I was stuck. 

"Oh! No." 

Not actually stuck. I think I was swinging. I was jumping in from one emotions to another. I was sort of lost within me. 

“Good evening”, the sun with its dim yellowish rays welcomed me. With its dimness, I tried to calm my thoughts. I was quite unruffled. I tried to explain myself with those vague justifications about life that everyday isn’t perfect and I don’t have control over my feelings. Then, a question popped up, “Actually why do I need explanations and justifications?”

Whatever I would explain would be just for the time being. Another day or another moment I would feel something different or may be the same but definitely would provide a different reason. 

Isn’t it good just to be mindful; mindful of what I am feeling? Or what I am going through?

Unexpectedly, I went few days back when I was little introspective and I was having conversation happily with my 99 years self.

She was saying,

“Thank you, as you

gave me the reasons to smile.

You waited as when you needed time

You kept your emotions sublime.

Time is what you have used so well,

as it didn’t always have jingle bells.

Thank you, as you kept quiet

when they were expecting you would burst out and fight.

Thank you once again, for the happiness

I feel young and beautiful even on this wrinkled face.”

Yes, how easily feelings do change. 

Here, yes it’s the time to say “Good night” and I am feeling quite expressive. After all, these roller coaster rides of feelings is what makes me a human being. Yes, a human being. How much I try to unwelcome them, they would definitely find a space within me. Thus, let me be true to myself and say, “Hello, everyone I had a bad day today.”

To my Angel in Heaven

Dearest Shova,

People call me mad for celebrating your birthday every year. Let them give me names…but that’s not going to stop me. 

For a while, I think you aren’t any more, but then I realize, it’s not the truth. You are there with me. I can see you. I can listen your sweet voice even now. It’s already a decade since we haven't met, but…

I just wish you would buy a cell phone soon. Hey, hasn't internet started there? Why don't you join Facebook?  

Yeah, I know it’s difficult for both of us. Thus, I am writing to you as this is the only way I can express my feelings. So, whenever I share, I feel you may be reading. Reading and then smiling.

Sometimes, I feel how my life would change if you were here? People would surely not tag me as a lonely introvert, since you were the one who knew how naughty I could be?

How long I could go on chatting? Love, life, career, friends…bla…bla..

After you left, I could never ever get connected with anyone. Never ever tried to share my feelings. A fear always grips me that I would lose them if I get connected, just as I lost you. Sometimes, I reflect and ask myself why?

Why I couldn’t forget you?

When I don’t remember most of the incidents of my childhood why your memory is still crystal clear?

But then, again, I realize it’s good that it lingers with me that’s why I am what I am today; I am living your dream life; an independent life where you can have the right to take your own decisions. 

Departing with you was the first tragedy that I had to go through and that I feel was very early. So, my frequent question to God is, “Was it necessary?”, though I don't believe in Him. That may be the reason he doesn't answer it. 

Again, I already told you, when I say this, people call me crazy. They opine I am not able to move on.

The reality is, I think you know…

Actually, I have moved on but with every steps that I take towards my future, your space becomes bigger. 

  

Wherever you are, I hope you are singing as beautiful as you used to. Hey, haven't you thought about recording your song? You would definitely be a big hit. :)

I miss you. 

Love,

Bhawana

P.S. Many many happy returns of the day. Happy Birthday. :)

The Art of Loving

Photo Credit: youqueen

I love flowers.

Roses, Marigolds, Jasmine, Sunflowers.... I love their color, their fragrance. I love their beauty. If you ask me how long I can spend my time in the garden, you would be surprised to know I can be there day and night. When the dew touches their petals, I love watching them as they turn red with shyness. I love seeing them falling in love with the bees. I love listening them humming along with the sound of those noisy insects at night. I love their mad dancing which they generally do in the lights of fireflies. Whenever I see them growing old and withering, I feel sad and pray for their long life. I want them to grow beautiful.

My dad loves flowers.

Roses, Marigolds, Jasmine, Sunflowers.... He scratches all day in the garden. He wakes them up every morning from their deep sleep early in the morning with some healthy breakfast for them. He protects them from weeds. When they grow messy, he trims them and gives them a wonderful look. He knows their strength. When he sees them weak, he tends them with some extra care. For some he arranges crutch. He knows who has grown hungry after their mad dance and who is growing old. He tries as much as he can to protect their beauty and zeal with so much of love and effort.  

Sometimes, I think what if my father would not be there to take care of all that mess of our garden? Yes, it's not enough just to love flowers. One must prepare himself and truly work to grow them. 

Then, I think what if I replace the word 'flower' with 'child'. Will there be some difference? Don't you feeling loving is an art? 

Where the joy resides...

No, I don't remember much. I can't remember numbers. I find difficulty remembering names. Sometimes I remember just the faces while sometimes I remember just the incidents with no names or faces. When my friends share so many interesting incidents of our childhood, I wonder was I there? I feel memories love staying away from me.

I know keeping things in mind is difficult for me, thus I am thankful to Dr. Spencer Silver who attempted to develop a super strong adhesive but accidentally created sticky notes. Yeah! Serendipity. Wow! I remember the theory of serendipity. All thanks to Dr. Rajiv Subba sir. Few months back, I was lucky to be in one of his sessions. Sorry, I don't know the date.

I sometimes, think that I have a withered brain. Nevertheless, even in my shrunken memory there are some beautiful memoirs. I remember the day when my brother was born. I still can feel that joy when I first touched his chubby cheeks. I remember carrying him for the first time. Whenever I see a child crawling, I feel like it is my brother creeping. I still remember our fights for the broken glasses. My brother has grown tall, actually taller, but I still see him a child.

Few days back, we had a big fight.

“Of course, it was his mistake.”...

“Oh! Oh! Sorry. I forgot. It was mine mistake.”

He was expecting a call from me but I forgot to do so.

“Yeah, absolutely, I was busy.”

“He is such a child, what’s so big issue on that?” Yeah! I thought the same. After few minutes of our fight, I was so fresh and lively. I felt that was what I was missing in my life: that reminder that there

is someone who loves me more than any other in this world. He, whom I can rely on, almost for everything. He, who fights with me for so many small things but whenever I am sad, he is the one who is ready to fight with the world for my happiness. I realized I had forgotten to smile. With his
fight, he brought a huge upward curve on my face.

With the endless parade of work, cleaning, cooking, doing assignments, and many other petty and big things, I felt I was starting to live a life forgetting to live. I had ended up caring for my loved ones and myself. I had forgotten leading a happy life; appreciating moments, sharing joys.

Happiness lies in small things. I found happiness fighting with my brother. No, once again, I do not remember the date but yes, I remember our grumbling on the other side of the phones. Yes, I remember to smile.

I Know it's LOVE

They would always buzz on my ears. They would irritate me. They would trigger my agony. Sometimes they were so sharp that they would try to pierce my ears and erode out. Those unassembled codes. 

Wherever you are THANK YOU Vishal Singh  for this picture

Most of the times they would engulf me with their murmur that would later be followed by waves of emotions.... Sometimes huge and most of the times tiny and insignificant ones. I tried to ignore them. I turned a deaf ear to them. But..., but, that wasn't the solution. So, I tried to accompany my friends as I realized they would haunt me only when I was alone. 

It worked. 

Yeah! it worked but they were so smart. Umm, smarter than me that they would always find my way one way or the other. I stopped falling asleep disturbed by those unexpressed sounds.

Those unuttered voices would always shout. Shout out so loud that I should do something. Something; to encode them. Encoding wasn't so easy. I thought of a plan first to recognize each sounds that would emerge and then to record them. So, I started locking them in my papers. 

friends....pain...torture...stress...happiness...ecstasy...lonliness...abandoned...assignments....    

So many random words were there.  Thousand of random words.  I couldn't extract any meaning out of those. That process too didn't work. I couldn't encode. But...., but, I didn't lost my hope. I tried to win them by hook or by crook. I gathered those thousands of words and added some punctuation, some proverbs, some pronouns, some verbs, some feelings, some imaginations and some experiences. I did it for years. Finally one day, I could read them. Read out LOUD and find the meaning. I had a story out of that buzz. Now a days I lock them in various forms; in pictures, in social medias, in my blog. I express them and I have fallen in love with them. 

Oh! Poor me. Should love always have to be tragic? Then, they used to follow me and I used to run. Now, I plead them to haunt but they wouldn't come. 

"Please, come to meet me at least once a day. I have fallen for you." I plead.

"Love...I don't love you. I love moving. Sometimes here and sometimes there."

These days I wait. Wait, till the midnight just for them. I am ready to get pierced. I am ready to be drowned. But they hesitate. I guess, they have found a new prey. Again, I am not going to lose hope and leave you. I will burn the midnight oil rather than leave you. Because I know it's love and as they say everything is possible in love and war. 

February Feelings :)

Let me soak in your arms

drenched in your love,

and soar high and high 

just like a bird. 

A letter to me on my first day of teaching

                                                                                                                                        

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                                                                                                                               April 16, 2013

Dear Bhawana,

I know you are too excited today. Yeah! You are nervous as well. I know you haven't slept the whole night for your first day at school and you are going on all these roller coaster rides. I am writing you to suggest you to to cool and calm and also yeah do enjoy the day.

You are neither going to get this day back nor you are going to get these feelings back so make it your best, give it your hundred percent. When you look back you will treasure this day. Before I say you anything, please go and check are you ready with every material that you have planned for today's introductory class? Be ready with it first. You may forget later and run without taking it.

Have you got it all? - Good, they are all ready.

Bhawana, remember your school days, how you used to think when a new teacher would come at your class? Of course, some would make a good impression on you on their very first day and some may not. You slowly had a liking for some of them later on but some you really didn't like even a single day. You too will be judged by your students. Some may like you, some may not. But don't panic and don't stress on that. It doesn't matter whether they like you or not. You are there for a change and yes, they definitely will remember you one day when they will reach their dream. The dream; that you make them visualize.

Don't you remember all your teachers now? Yes, you do. You feel that all those teachers whether you liked them or not have an influence on you.

So are your children. But yeah, do make them realize that you are not the one with the stick on your hand; you are with them to shower them loads and loads of love and care. Your children need that. Have you found out about them? Some of them are orphan, some are too poor to afford a good pen and most of them have many family and social issues. They are having a very miserable life. Do make them realize that you are with them to share their happiness and sorrows, to understand them.

You are going with a commitment that you will give your two years in that place. Bhawana, be patient and work. I am reminding about your commitment because every day is not a Sunday. You will see rain and shine both. Control your temper; you may get mad because children are not going to do the assignments you give. They are not going to go through your instructions. They are not going to follow the classroom rules. They may make funny excuses which you know all will be fake. How much you try some will still be there talking in the last bench while you are teaching, some will still bring zero even you concentrate on them so much.  

But never give up. Make them feel that you expect from them and you have a hope for them. Also make them realize that they can do it. It seems difficult and definitely needs a hard work, but they would surely realize it. One day they will understand, they will finally start listening you, start writing at least some words. They will start doing their assignments. First know them, their interest, hobbies. I suggest you to be their friend and a guardian. A friend who would know them all but also a guardian, who would guide them to show them their way. Make them realize why education is so important for them. Why coming to school is so mandatory for them.

I know so many questions are there within you now. Don't worry about them now. They all will get answered one by one. You may face problems but you will find their ways to get out too. You will learn each day. Reflect each day, learn from each mistakes.

Umm! I am pouring out a lot. I need to halt as you need to reach school on time. Just a reminder for today and everyday. I know you may make mistake and children are smart these days, they will definitely catch you but do remember apologize. Don't hesitate to say Sorry.

Best of luck for the day.

                                                                                                                            Warm love

                                                                                                                             Future Bhawana