Ode to those UNWANTED Feelings !!

"Good morning", I said to myself.

I woke up with a whole lot of emotions; all cramped up. I was a bit contemplative, quite lot in rush, somewhat pained, may be more in indignation. With each passing hours, I could feel, my jar of sentiments being stuffed.

I was pissed off.

I was confused.

I was in stress.

I was all ready to burst out.

I was in tears. (No, I didn’t show it. But I was crying.)

“Good afternoon”, the clock greeted me. 

Suddenly, I was blank. I had no feelings, yet I had them. But I couldn’t recognize what I was going through. I can’t name them since they had already mingled with each other and I wasn’t able to figure out actually what I was feeling.

“Did I want to express?” or “Did I want silence?”

A part of me asked to be reflective and asked me to find an answer. However, there was another part, that was also within me that was reluctant to push my heart and mind on it.

I wasn’t able to crack myself. I tried to solve the riddle but I was stuck. 

"Oh! No." 

Not actually stuck. I think I was swinging. I was jumping in from one emotions to another. I was sort of lost within me. 

“Good evening”, the sun with its dim yellowish rays welcomed me. With its dimness, I tried to calm my thoughts. I was quite unruffled. I tried to explain myself with those vague justifications about life that everyday isn’t perfect and I don’t have control over my feelings. Then, a question popped up, “Actually why do I need explanations and justifications?”

Whatever I would explain would be just for the time being. Another day or another moment I would feel something different or may be the same but definitely would provide a different reason. 

Isn’t it good just to be mindful; mindful of what I am feeling? Or what I am going through?

Unexpectedly, I went few days back when I was little introspective and I was having conversation happily with my 99 years self.

She was saying,

“Thank you, as you

gave me the reasons to smile.

You waited as when you needed time

You kept your emotions sublime.

Time is what you have used so well,

as it didn’t always have jingle bells.

Thank you, as you kept quiet

when they were expecting you would burst out and fight.

Thank you once again, for the happiness

I feel young and beautiful even on this wrinkled face.”

Yes, how easily feelings do change. 

Here, yes it’s the time to say “Good night” and I am feeling quite expressive. After all, these roller coaster rides of feelings is what makes me a human being. Yes, a human being. How much I try to unwelcome them, they would definitely find a space within me. Thus, let me be true to myself and say, “Hello, everyone I had a bad day today.”