His LOVE....

He is so wide, so open. Sometimes I feel that he is going to hug me. Sometimes he is so arrogant that I feel he is going to befall on me and take my life away. He is so huge after all whom I can't even catch into my arms whenever I want to hug. But I love him the most because he is my best friend; where ever I go, he follows me. He cares me When I remember God, I look over him and ask for help. When I feel sad, I again look over it and ask for rain. When I feel happy I look over him again and show him my big smile (which is probably very small for him). But each time, I see him, he is so different, so vivid; sometimes clear, sometimes dark. I sometimes ask myself, "is he only looking at me?"

'NO' my heart replies. Then I feel jealous that why he is not only mine? 'WHY?' My mind calls me foolish for asking such stupid questions to myself and then I realize He, the sky is not only mine. And like me any other person feels the same after all the sky is the same. He loves not only me but all the living and non living creatures of this universe. The only thing that matters is the land or the context from where we look at him and how we look at him. 

the sky that I beheld from the terrace of my home; looking at him from there was such an awesome moment. 

Lullaby

"We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here Now with the power to shape your day and your future." (Steve Maraboli). But sometimes the power is external and who can empower you better than your mom? I get my empowerment from my mom too.  My mom empowered me then and even now. The feeling below was when I first was out of my home for the first time in my life, four years back and even when I read this, I feel empowered.

I know you love me and I love you

But look the fate I have to be far from you

I miss your lap

Oh, mom even I miss your slap

The every penny that you would had

To fulfill all the dreams that I just had

I remember most of the times, you would roar

Even for the dresses I would wear

You scolded me but at the same time you folded me

When I had pain, when I would restrain

For the small success that I would gain

But this cruel destiny, could not bear it

He acted well to tear it

I had to go far away from you,

Very very far away from you

And with tears on your eyes you bid me saying good bye

Me even with tears waved my hand with a reply

“mom I love you" 

my mom there on the door, making the voice low

answered back

"I love you too.”

Sketches..

I don't know what the reason was that made me stop sketching. But after eight years when I did it today, I just loved the moment. Since, it has been long I stopped stretching curves on the paper, my hands felt uneasy and the sketch wasn't as perfect as I had intended to make. As the moment is precious for me, I just want to share it.

Burnt dreams

I thought a lot before writing this. I never ever hesitate for writing about anything but this time, I am hesitating. I am in a dilemma whether to ponder my pen on this motion. Do I have my right for it? Every one is expressing then why not me? Many people from all over Nepal are already aware of this horrendous incident. This hesitation is because it's by them who are considered to be the future of the nation and most enthusiastic group of all the youths and not only that, the students.

Yes, I am talking about the tragic and terribly horrifying incident that occurred at Tri-Chandra Campus on July 20. On that day, some unknown group of students torched the Tri-Chandra's library to ashes. Students' burning their own college library is hard to believe but that happened and the worse part is that it was not a dream.  And my reason for hesitation is; I am not the student of Tri-Chandra, I have never ever been to read the books of the very library and I don't even know any of my friends reading there right now, then should I talk about it? This is their internal matter. The students of my college weren't there to burn them, then why should I speak up?

Then, I remembered the lines of Heinrich Heine, the German poet, "where they burn books they will in the end burn people too." So, now the incident is no more their private affair and what happened was not internal.  And more over I am also a student, may not be of the same college but from the same university and now this incident has seriously raised question even on what I have learnt all those years from the university?

In the fire, the library was completely damaged. About 5000 books and 2000 thesis archived were burnt. It's not just about some books or valuable research papers that were burnt in that incident, but it's about the dreams which have been turned into ashes and it's about the knowledge which has been lost in the flames. I think I shouldn't state about the importance of books for students as whatever we have become till now, is all because of those books. A library is a treasure trove of books which every student must learn to respect and this is what our education as well as culture teaches us. But the irony is that the shameful act was none other then performed by the students themselves.  Here, can't we raise question about the quality of education that is provided in our education system that even a college student doesn't have respect of education.

I don't know the exact scenario of that day. I don't know what happened. May be that was unbearable for those who burnt the books that they found no other way out other than to burn the books. I don't know whether the reason behind it is political or apolitical. I simply know that the words were burnt, the words which marked our civilization, our culture, our knowledge.  Oh, right, those vandals may argue that why books when we can get the so-called knowledge and words now in our tips of fingers through the internet? Here also, I think I shouldn't clarify that those are also the outcome of knowledge which are probably been true only through the traditional archivist of human knowledge.  These vandals who burnt the library not only turned the books into ashes but also the dreams of thousands of other innocent students who really are in enrolled in the college for their better future and their better future obviously means a prosperous country.

http://www.myrepublica.com/portal/index.php?action=news_details&news_id=79984 (published on Republica on July 30th)

Those innocent eyes...

'Chapagaun' 'Chapagaun' "Didi Chapagaun jane ho?" (Do you want to go Chapagaun?) This was what that small approximately nine or ten years boy asked me when I was at Lagankhel. That was my first encounter with him. He looked exactly like one of my students of grade nine, so I even asked him, are you brother of Ashis Gurung? Ashis, right now he is my grade nine student. So, I asked his name. He didn't speak a word.  He looked very cute with innocence in his eyes. I wanted to know more about him. But he was not interested to talk to me rather he was busy taking account of his money that he had collected from the passengers. But I further asked him. "Timi Ashish lai chinchau?" (Do you know Ashish?) Finally the boy replied replied me. He was very polite and shy, " ma chindina didi" ( No, I don't know him sister.) I really felt sorry for him that he was working as a conductor in the micro bus when he was supposed to be going to school. So I even asked to Ashish if any of his cousin has started working in a micro bus so that we could talk to their family members and enroll him in a school. But Ashish replied that he doesn't know any relative working in a micro bus. 

I couldn't get away from those innocent eyes that he had. So next day, I again waited at Lagankhel with the hope that I would be on his micro bus on the same time. But he wasn't there. I thought he may not be working but may be he was there just for a day. So somewhere inside I was happy that he was not a conductor. But after a fortnight he happened to call me again, "Didi Chapagaun jane ho?" (Do you want to go Changagaun?) This time the voice had slightly changed. He was a bit loud to me. I looked at him. He didn't recognize me but how could I forget those innocent eyes. They were so mesmerizing that they would take away anyone who looked at them. I didn't reply anything just went and sat on the seat silently. I don't know why I didn't want to talk to him that day and I don't know the reason even now. I don't know what I was feeling. Was I feeling happy? as, I was being able to see his innocent eyes once again, or was I feeling sad ? as I didn't want to see him shouting so loudly hanging in that packed micro bus. I had no words to express for him.   But suddenly a middle aged woman spoke to him and I dismissed my thought and concentrated towards their talk. She asked him whether he could even add the fare or not? The boy nodded his head positively. Then she kept on asking about his home and school. The boy thought felt irritated but answered those questions. 

His home was at Thecho and he had read up to grade five. But he didn't say the reason why he had left school. The woman kept on questioning the reason but he just kept silent. So many questions were on my mind but I didn't question him any as he was too irritated to answer. Next day on wards, I started to see him frequently. Now he has started to recognize me but also he doesn't talk with me. Even I don't ask him anything. I just observe him. He has changed a lot. The boy that attracted me with his shyness has now turned rude. I sometimes find him even speaking slang and remember the first day when we had spoken so politely. And now when I look in to his eyes, I still find the innocence but somewhere I can see the hollowness inside. I have the feeling that the innocence will also slowly fade away like his politeness in the near future. 

I want to warn him for it. But how can I? Sometimes I want to talk to him about child right and make him aware what Nepalese law says; to work in Nepal as a child, you must be at least 14 years old, and that you can work for no more than six hours, and you must not work during 6 p.m to 6 am. hours, you must get a brake of 30 minutes after 3 hours of work and nobody should pressure you to work. But instantly I realize these all are only in papers eventually I can't dare to face him and even ask him what his problems are so that he is working in the micro bus as I know I don't have any solution for his problem. 

Spare the rod

Few months back, one of my best friends who is a Math teacher at one of the public schools of southern Lalitpur had a very serious issue to discuss about one of his students of grade ten. His students complained him that he didn't read because my friend didn't beat him as he had the habit of reading only after getting some punishment.  While he talked with his student, he found that he was so habituated to get the corporal punishment that he can't concentrate on his studies even if he tries to without getting punishment. And that very conversation with him came on my mind once again when I learnt that seventh grader Rasiyali Budha of Dang district had to get seven stitches in her pupil after being hit by a stick as a punishment by the teacher. I can hardly imagine the pain which Rasiyali is going through.

Rasiyali is the most recent example and she is not the only one to suffer from the harsh corporal punishment of teachers. Two months back four children of Kavre left their homes just to be away from the ill-treatment by their teachers. The environment of their school was so fearful for them that they ultimately thought leaving their place as their only way out. Besides them, there may be several other children who may not even dare to say that they also are one who are facing the brutality.

Rasiyali Budha

But a question whirls around why these kinds of punishments are preferred and is it really necessary? Isn't there other way out?

Physical punishments most commonly consists of hitting children with hand or belt, hitting with pipes and sticks and it also may include kicking or forcing a child to stay in painful positions. In Nepal corporal punishment is often considered necessary to children's upbringing, to facilitate learning and to instill discipline in the children. Parents and teachers argue that corporal punishment teaches the students so called 'the right way of life'.

In fact these kinds of arguments are just a way to beat around the bush. The discipline is not taught, it is learnt and the child's education is mostly from observation and imitation. And, different research studies have shown that the theory of corporal punishment as an ineffective discipline strategy with children of all ages and it is often proved to be dangerous. In reality, if persons are more hit during their childhood,, it is more likely that when they reach the adulthood, they hit their children, spouses or friends.

The problem is common both in developed and developing countries. The UN Secretary General's study on Violence against Children reported that only 2.4% of the world's children are legally protected from corporal punishment in all settings. One million children are affected by school violence each day. As per the Global initiative to End All Corporal Punishment of Children, 90 countries continue to allow teacher to legally use corporal punishment and even in the countries where corporal punishment is legally banned, it is often poorly enforced.

In the context of Nepal, a study found out that 14% of student drop out is due to the fear of teachers. According to a survey done by Save the Children Norway, involving 100 students and 30 teachers at five government-aided and five private schools in the Kathmandu valley, a huge majority of the children experienced corporal punishment at school and almost all had seen or heard corporal punishment at school. Children said corporal punishment made them feel bad, unhappy, humiliated, depressed, angry, scared and embarrassed about facing their friends, and it made them lose interest in studying and feel like quitting school, whereas most teachers said that corporal punishment was effective and should continue to be used.

In addition, there is no explicit prohibition of corporal punishment in school in the Education Act 1971 or the Education Regulation 2003, though Article 7 of the Children Act 1992 has prohibited severe punishment on children. Article 4 of Chapter 9 of the Muluki Ain states that guardians and teachers shall not be held responsible for hurting a child in the course of education or defense, and Article 7 of the Children Act 1992 exempts "the act of scolding and minor beating to the child by his father, mother, member of the family, guardian or teacher for their interests of the child" from the execution of cruel treatment. And, unfortunately corporal punishment is lawful in alternative care settings.

Time has come to reexamine the saying "Spare the rod and spoil the child". According to educational experts who oppose the use of corporal punishment, use of positive reinforcement techniques reduces the frequency and the extent of misbehavior of the students. Human Rights Watch (1999) further states that teachers can reward students in a variety of simple ways. Methods like counseling, reinforcement and rewards are more helpful to inculcate discipline in the students. Similarly, it is necessary to pursue a set code of conduct and raise awareness among teachers for the child rights in order to stop undignified, inhuman and undisciplined tradition. The good efforts like the global campaign 'Learn without fear' should be promoted to create awareness about children's rights. These efforts need to have continuity. There is need for the governmental and non-governmental organizations to deliberately organize seminars and workshops where experts can be invited to teach teachers on the modern issues and changes in education as far as discipline is concerned as some might not have the knowledge on alternatives to corporal punishment.

In a society like ours where non-violence and peace has a great value, it's important that we cultivate these values in our kids from childhood. Where would it be possible, if it's not in school? 

All on the same boat

The campaign for more to be done to rescue over 200 schoolgirls abducted by militants in northern Nigeria is attracting growing attention on social media.  People around the world are uniting in 'Bring back our girls' protest. Politicians, including US first Lady Michelle Obama, joined film stars and musicians in taking to Twitter, Facebook and Instagram to add their support for the kidnapped girls, who were snatched by Boko Haram gunmen for their school in Borno state on April 4th. The whole campaign is drawn with the sole motive of educating the girls. When this campaign is influencing its world wide followers and protesters against terrorism invading in girls' education in Nigeria, the condition of female education in Nepal is also one major issue to be thought about as we also are on the same boat.

The girl child population in Nepal constitutes half of the total child population. The interim Constitution of Nepal, 2007 and International human rights instruments which Nepal has ratified, especially the Committee on the Elimination of Discrimination against Women (CEDAW) and Convention on the Rights of the Child (CRC), provides equal rights to all girls, irrespective of caste, religion and gender. But the reality is far from what the legal provisions have ensured.  Majority of girls are denied education. Majority of girls are neglected, humiliated, oppressed and exploited in their every day lives, which has led to be far from the premises of the school.  The prevailing unfair social attitude towards girls plays the role of terrorists in our country to snatch them for education as the atmosphere that prevails at home, family, community and at the national level obstruct the path of overall development of girls.

Most of the times, we tend to think that enrolment in the primary level at school is important. If we are able to send our daughters to school, then our work is done, but the reality is that it's only half work done when we are able to admit them in school. The tough task is to make them able to continue their schooling because most of the girls drop out without passing their School Leaving Certificate because of different social, economic and cultural barriers. And these all barriers are making our girls who go to school in their pinpoint like those terrorists who abducted the girls from their school. According to the Flash Report 2011/2012 prepared by Department of Education, in Nepal 'Net Primary Enrollment' in schools has increased from 81 percent in 2002 to 94.5 percent in 2010. Gender and social parity have been achieved in primary education. But the reality is that more than half of primary level student do not enter secondary schools, and only one-half of them complete secondary schooling. In addition, fewer girls than boys join secondary schools and, among those who do join, fewer complete the 10th grade. In most the the cases, the family with more than two or three school age children of 5 to 14 years age, some are sent to school, while others are kept at home for the domestic chores or wage earning. In such circumstances sons are preferred than the daughter to send a school.

There is the problem of actual number of out-of school girls who ever participated in the school or who are dropped from the school is a great challenge. Also, there is the problem of finding the actual reason of drop out. But, most of them are normally engaged in domestic chores. They spare their whole day either on household activities like grazing cattle, supporting their parents to work in the field or looking after their younger siblings. Moreover, the drop out rate of girls of 'Dalit' and 'Janjatis' are highest than others. According to UN, women in Nepal face ingrained discrimination because of the country's traditionally patriarchal nature, and can be further disadvantaged depending on their caste, ethnicity and geographic location.

Despite these challenges and gaps, their have been many efforts and positive contributions to protect the educational rights of girls. In order to change the gloomy picture of Nepali girls different governmental and non-governmental organizations are extending their support for female education. There is provision of scholarship for girl child and Dalit, distribution of text books, free admission to all children. Even the facilities of day meal, transportation facilities or allowances as appropriate and living facilities to those who can't attend school were provided. But, even with these promising efforts, there is not much improvement. Girls' access to mainstream education is still a major challenge for meeting the national and global goal of achieving education for all by 2015.

Then, where is the problem? The problem may not be in the planning and policy making or may not be in the incentives. It may be the curriculum, as most of the curriculum and textbook writers are males who are not sensitive to gender issues. Textbooks don't include topics or lessons chosen with the explicit aim of bringing about gender balance in the family, society and nation. There are instances where fathers are projected as important persons while mothers' roles are kept obscure. Similarly it may be the unfriendly gender environment at schools. Often, there are news about sexual and other kinds of harassment of female students by male students and male teachers, due to which parents are afraid of sending their daughters to school after they reach a certain age. These issues which we may overlook may be the actual barrier.  So, we must analyze the circumstances properly.

If we fail to properly analyze the nature and form of the problems and the reasons for such a situation of girls, we will fail to bring back our Nepalese girls from the verge of pitch darkness. These barriers to education are not lesser than the threat of terrorists for girl's education here in Nepal.  This will ultimately result in the failure to ensure a secure future for our women leading the country to backwardness.

http://www.bichardabali.com/articles/all-same-boat (article being featured in Bichar Dabali)

A New Perspective

Somewhere, I had read that it's not how much money we make that ultimately makes us happy between nine and five. It's whether or not our work fulfills us. Being a teacher is meaningful. But most of the times, we have the opinion that being a teacher is very simple and easy. If you can't enroll in any other profession or if you can't achieve your big dreams then, you can be a teacher. In my opinion it's a myth that becoming a teacher is a straightforward process - when you know the subject matter, we can go and teach it. But being a teacher is more than that. And being a teacher in Nepal is even the toughest one where the success of a child solely depends on the teacher in most of the places.

Many of the people here take teaching as a great way to spend their gap years, career break or extended vacation. And I was also the one who used to take teaching the same way but as I have been teaching for fifteen months now and in that time I have been reflecting about the teacher's role and responsibilities and also about the relationship with the student's and parents; my attitude towards the teachers have changed.

Teaching is a challenging job with many unique frustrations, but the rewards of teaching are numerable.

Being a teacher has given me a new perspective on schooling and the education condition here in Nepal and also how education works here and it also has given me a new perspective on how teaching and learning work and also on my own  education. More than that being a teacher has made me more empathetic towards my own teachers who taught me as I remember them each day thinking how they had taught me, how they had helped me in my each and every situation. When my teen age students show an attitude towards me, I just beg sorry with my teachers who may have felt bad with my attitude during my teen age, which I may have overlooked. Hereby, I have now realized that we must be psychologically ready to be a teacher as it is not an easy job. It has both the rain and the shine.

Most of the times I come home exhausted from school, and my task is not complete even with that I need to plan for my next day's class. Not only the chapters, I need to take care of what my students want to learn and how they will learn as there's no 'best way' to teach a child because each student varies from the other one. But everyday this planning helps me to learn the way our society runs, how we need to adopt here. I can see the reflection of our society in each child's behavior and managing with them each day makes me think that I am improving as a better manager each day.

working at room for the next day's class...

 The day is not the same always. The pre-prepared ideas and lesson plans don't work at all sometimes. The class becomes noisy, disobedient and simply don't listen to what I say. Sometimes with their behavior, I just want to burst into tears and give up. And the most difficult part is that I need to be an actor. For every different class, I go to teach, I need to be a different person and sometimes I am not myself. But if I take that thing positively, I would have never got so much room to be creative and autonomous each day.

I sometimes think that I could have opted for a career counselor because each day my child comes to me with a different fantasy, a different dream and a different aim. And every day I need to describe him/her about what that profession is about, what s/he needs to do to reach there and also sometimes I need to advise him/her whether that career is suitable for him/her or not as I know he is underestimating himself/herself as s/he can achieve more than what s/he has thought? 

I get incredible joy in seeing the difference they make as it gives me a self satisfaction that every day, I mold their future by impacting their views and understandings. It gives me a feeling that I am making a difference in the world by enabling each of my students to fully maximize their talents, imagination, skills and character.  It has been quite rare that I do not laugh at least a couple of times every day as the students make me laugh with their funny statements or just their innocent activities.

Although I don't think I will continue to be a classroom teacher in the long run, I think I'd always like to involve in it as it helps me improve more as a leader wherever I go as the process involved in teaching and learning is so fascinating that it allows to explore and understand every profession better.  My teaching experience till now is one of the most challenging but rewarding experiences of my entire life. Being a teacher I am growing so much as a person, collecting many amazing memories and most of all am preparing myself as a leader.  By now what I can say that teaching is not any one's forte as it is not a means to pass your time, but if you want to step outside your comfort zone and try something new, then I recommend you to be a teacher as it can definitely be your cup of tea. Be a teacher, then you will know how to be a leader.  

Silent Shout

There is a shout

far away in the crowd

the sound is low

and the flow is slow

It has a grief

It has a longe

It has a pain

That someone has gone

a trauma, a sadness, a bitterness

a pinch of dilemma

somewhat like a burden on chest

that no one is listening it

But far away 

here on the bay

I am listening it

I am feeling it

the shout of silence

the shout of silence.

Sharing is caring

Have your mind ever brought the thought of doing suicide?

It's a difficult question to answer as our society has a serious taboo on talking about it. Or, you may also be angry about my question that what a ridiculous question am I asking? The answer may be a big 'NO' or may be 'Yes sometimes'. And, I don't open my mouth big if I get a positive response from you that yes it has sometimes aroused in your mind as there are so many failures in our lives and the pressure is so big that sometimes the thought of suicide may haunt us.

But have we ever thought that can the same thought of suicide may haunt a child so much that finally he does it?

Now, there is something big to think about as we take children as innocent and don't think that they would have any kind of pressure of failures and disappointments in their lives. But, this is being a reality and many children in Nepal are giving up their lives themselves.

 In March, a 10 year old boy of Rukumkot district was found hanging at cowshed with a rope around his neck, shocking the whole community. Though the autopsy result confirmed that the boy killed himself, the reason behind the tragic action was unknown. But he was not the first case there; records of the District Police Office (DPO) showed that seven children including five girls and two boys had committed suicide in the last one year there.

In June another 10 year old child, Sandip Mahato from Chitwan district committed suicide by hanging himself in the house. The reason behind that was also unknown.

And here in July last Saturday, yet tragic news came from Chitwan again that a 12 year old Devila Chhetri committed suicide by hanging herself from a ceiling fan with a rope at the house. It is said that investigation into the incident is underway.

In all these three evidences from this year, the reasons for their suicide is unknown but this definitely shows that the rate of suicidal case is increasing alarmingly and this is not a good news. Suicide in children in Nepal appears to be a concealed but serious problem requiring immediate attention and systematic efforts.

Here, we don't have nation base data in child suicide. The report most of the times comes only by individual resources so that it is difficult to say trend of child suicide rate in Nepal, which may also be understatement, as most suicides are not reported due to legal problems, arising from the fact that suicide is still considered to be a criminal case.

The problem is so distressing that those children as young as seven year old have also been reported committing suicide. But, why innocent minds are choosing suicide as their ultimate destination is a big question.

The causes of most of the suicide cases, however, remain hidden. Police investigation shows quarrels among parents, academic failure, harsh treatment, lack of care and love, links to drug addiction and other traumatic psychological conditions are to blame for this situation.

Similarly experts on this issue attribute personal background of children to the causes of such crimes. According to them, increase in child suicide is the indication of ruthless change in the society. Depression and frustration force children to commit suicide. Psychologists comment that generally the lack of proper parental guidance, torture to children, bullying at schools and imitations from movies have provoked children to kill themselves.

Psychologists are in agreement that raising awareness and ending stigmatization is key to cutting child suicide case. They are of the opinion that suicide is largely preventable-if it is studied and understood seriously. With this, we can blame our government for not making proper national policy even after the bitter fact. But, here I find the role of concerned guardians more important. 

A research by American National Mental Health Institute has proved that suicide can be prevented with proper intervention for which parents and teachers have a big role in it. They must be good listeners and observers. Parents and teachers can help prevent suicide by learning the mechanisms necessary to identify and respond to their children and students who are at risk of suicide as well as other risk and self-destructive behaviors. If a child seems to be depressed and is not talking to anyone, family members and teachers should try to engage them in something more creative.

Yes, I agree that it is difficult to say whether the particular child has been facing any traumatic condition or not in his life without being told by him. It's also true that many suicidal children do not self-refer, but they do show warning signs to their peers, parents and trusted school personnel. We can notice their changed behaviors.

The most important thing is we don't have to wait for the child to be serious to go and talk to them, though. Our child needs to know we're always there for them to care for and to support them no matter what. So, sometimes just showing our interest on them and sharing them that how much we love them may intrude their suicidal attempt and may save their life.   

Our Shared Dreams

Bald head, black mask, thin body and black complexion, this was how I had seen her for the last time before she had left to Bharatpur once again, for her treatment. This was not on her real identity. She used to have a very long and thick hair, which I used to play with all the time. I loved her hair so much as I didn't have such hair. She was plump shaped, so Bijay sir used to call her 'Taison', a wrestler.

She was my best friend whom I used to meet every day even to share some small news and she was the only one with whom, I was so open. But that day I was meeting her nearly after four months and I can't express how did I survive for those four months? I felt that I was in solitude.  But, that departure was necessary as I could see that she was suffering terribly and doctors had told that she would get well only after her treatment could be done in Bharatpur. At that time, I wasn't mature enough to understand that why people are taken to Bharatpur and why my strong friend was being so thin day by day and why her beautiful, thick and dark hair was falling from her head?

 I had no idea.

 I only had the hope that she would return for me. She would return for our shared dreams and she would return for my company as I literally had no one beside her. And I was eagerly waiting for her arrival.

That day we stayed together and ate together. She didn't eat anything except her avocado fruit juice. I asked her to take out her mask from her mouth so many times but she didn't. I was so desperate to see her face as I hadn't seen her smile for four months but she didn't want to show that to me. That day we talked about so many things once again. I was very happy once again.

She used to love reading and writing literature. Though she wasn't good enough at studies, she was too good at literary writings. I still remember her poems and songs. That day again, in her sore voice, she sang her best song "Laure dai le pardesh bata pathayo khabara" for me. I knew that was difficult for her but she sang for mine happiness and also for her own happiness. After singing the song, she unfolded the pillow and showed me some letters of her pen friends and asked me to read those letters for her.  I read it and she reveled that she was there only for two days and she was there because she wanted to meet me. She again had to go Bharatpur the next day, so if she would not come with in one month next time, she told me to come there and take out those letters and sent reply to her friends as she doesn't want to make her pen friend feel that she betrayed her.

I stayed with her that day also and the next day after giving me a warm, tight hug she headed towards Bharatpur for treatment and I returned my home. I was eagerly waiting for her. I was eagerly waiting for her call as she used to call me instantly as soon as she returned. It was already one month and I didn't get any call. So, I called myself but no one picked up the call. My tension was rising, but I had no any option to do rather than to wait her call.

After two days, my mom desperately called my name after returning from school and gave me the news that Shova, is no more. She is no more in this world. I couldn't believe my ears. She had promised me that she would come back. She can't leave me. We had so many plans to do after our SLC. 'NO' 'NO' she can't leave me alone. I took my bicycle and cycled towards her house. I don't remember how the way was and how I reached. But when I reached there, the scene was tragic. Everyone was crying. I went near aunt and asked about her. She didn't say anything just remained as a statue whose eyes were filled with tears. Now I was sure, that she has really left me. But, how can she leave me?

I don't believe that she would leave me without meeting me once. I don't believe that she dared to do that. After sometime aunt conveyed that, Shova desperately had a desire to meet me. When the doctor informed her that she was in the last stage of cancer and isn't going to live for more days, she started to write a letter for me. And she had her last wish to meet me. But the God played the role of villain and took her breath just before the day she was going to be discharged from the hospital. Then, I asked for the letter that she had wrote for me, and that also I couldn't find as it was misplaced during the course of her funeral. It was the saddest day of my life. It took me years to get out of that loneliness. Though I am with so many friends physically now, by heart I miss her and I hope she is still somewhere near by me and watching me.

So, today, I want to wish her a very happy birthday.

I hope that someday I will be able to fulfill her dreams. The dreams that she wanted to fulfill, the dream that she had for herself and the dream that she had for me. One day I will fulfill our shared dreams.