Dear Barun,Today isn't your birthday, neither is mine. Today is not any other special day as well. However, when all my newsfeed is filled with the advice of not giving up and reaching out when there is any kind of problem, especially about an emotional or mental problem, I couldn’t help but bestow my thankfulness to you.
I am not being able to comprehend how people are saying to reach out via social media; when the people who are in turmoil would never be able to figure out the right time to keep on working on themselves independently, and the right time to ask for help. Moreover, how is that possible when they don’t know that they are going through any kind of problem? For the introverts, it is even more difficult because they might confuse their problem with the choice of being hibernated.
Looking at all these grand advice, I have come to realize how unaware I was a few years back that I never thought that I needed help. How would I when I was the best performer both at my school and at my work. I never felt necessary for going out or meeting anyone, all thanks to my introvert nature. My days were as happy as one could see; I thought the same for myself. I misread my panic attacks with my bad dreams. I never knew it would get worse. In short, I needed help.
But you understood. You understood without me telling you. How would I tell you even when I, myself was unaware of it?
You did not just give me your ears, you became my company 24/7. Very few people can read the emotions between the lines, you did that without even letting me know that I was going through some kind of issue. You were a phone call away. You kept on checking me without making me feel uncomfortable. I didn't feel I had any illness rather your gesture made me feel that I was being taken care of even without one. When the panic attacks were worse, you didn’t hesitate to stay by my side even in the middle of the night. I remember you taking me on a walk to Patan Durbar Square in the middle of the night. I didn’t know till then that hot milk teas were served even at night if you happen to be there. Thank Goodness, you never flaunted what you did for me in your social media. You did it with all your heart and I cannot give you anything apart from my love and thankfulness. For someone who chose to live alone since her teenage, having a company of someone all the time wasn’t appealing but I loved your company. You made me feel safe and you did that without letting me know. I needed time to heal and you gave me that.
As nights have become calmer these days, I take a moment and try to think about what would I have done without you. Was that a phase of my depression? I don’t know because I didn't go to any mental health counselor. But I wasn’t well, I know that.
Had I given up on my life if you weren't there? I don’t have an answer for that as well because I didn’t recognize my panic attacks as well. How interesting is that, that I didn’t have to take any medications? Because you were my medication. You did that so selflessly.
Thank you for being there literally and not blowing the whistle on social media. Thank you for waiting until I slept. Thank you for checking in every morning. Thank you for calling me back when my calls were missed. Thank you for hugging me tight when I was out of control.
Thank you for not giving me advice for what I had to do but making sure every stone turned from your side to make me feel better; so better that I am where I am today.
Dear Barun, I love you for who you are.
Nothing but gratitude.
Yours Truly
Bhawana
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