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I completed my first year of fellowship with the note of positivism. I even showed positivism inside my classroom the whole year. There were so many days, when I wanted to burst on my kids, especially my grade nine kids, but I just controlled over. There were so many times when I remembered Ram Ashis dai for his theory of 'mild corporal punishment', there also I controlled. I walked with the theme that 'a positive attitude may not solve all my problems, but it will annoy the people around me to make worth the effort'. I thought it would work, not so early but in a long run but what happened today just made all my positivism and all my efforts go in vain. 

Out of twenty five students our six students failed some subjects in their grade nine exam, so our school management had taken the decision of not letting them upgrade in their grade ten. But the students and parents were so angry with the management team that they threatened the school management to upgrade their students. After the discussion, one of the student agreed to repeat grade nine but others five didn't. And those five were so rigid in their decision that school had to compromise saying that the school will take the repeat exam and they would be given chance only when they would pass all their exams. They agreed but the problem arise when some of the students even didn't agreed that. They just wanted to sit in grade ten. This process of  consoling went on for three days and except one student, other didn't show up. So, me and Seetu thought to convince them and at least bring them to school as we heard that those students were going to leave school. After school, we went to one of the student's home and found that she wasn't in her home. We met her mother. She asked us for help to convince her daughter to go to school as she has made up her mind to leave the school. She said that as they were unable to convince her they had sent her to her maternal uncle's house in Sunakothi so that her aunt would convince her. We returned consoling her mom that we would talk to her the next day but while we were returning, suddently 'Bindu' came on my mind. She was very disappointed with herself that she could not meet one of her students who got married a day before she went to visit her and she had a guilt over that issue which she had expressed with us. I became afraid with the thought that 'tomorrow never comes', so we stopped our micro at Sunakothi and then started searching for her maternal uncle's house. We asked door to door whether it was our student's maternal uncle's house. Approximately after half an hour of searching, we found the house but unluckily she was not there. And there we came to know that she had not come to meet them. We were so afraid after all where had she gone as she was neither in her home nor in her maternal uncle's house. Then, after some time we found her cell number and contacted her. She was not picking up the call, we became much more afraid. Finally she received the call, we interrogated and what caught my nerves was she lied us that she was in her own house. I can't explain what I felt at that particular moment. When we interrogated more, we found out that she had gone for shopping lying her parents and even not attending school and exam. At this moment, my hypothesis of positivism all flowed away. I requested her to come school the next day and give exam and continue her class otherwise she would miss so many lessons, her answer was that it would not matter her. She would pass her S.L.C even if she doesn't take classes. I asked her, how she was so confident about it. She just smiled and I knew the reason how.

I don't know where I did mistake. Was I teaching them good? Why couldn't I make them realize the value of learning. Today I failed.