Out of the blue VII

I am a narcissist
I love my own image
But each time I see your face
I see the same traces
that I have gone through
the same ups and downs
so, whenever I look at you
I find a me in you
that doesn't let me shift my mind
and I can't stop loving you.

A Little Confession..

Day is gloomy,

my heart too;

parting from you in this way

I had never ever wanted so.

I loved you a lot

I did care for you

but the way things started to fall apart

I never could express you.

I wanted to be your medicine

when your were sick

but, my wounds too were unhealed

I thought I would better take a leave,

to prevent you being infected from 

my contagious disease.

What I did, may be wrong

leaving you alone wasn't my moral

I thought so many people were there

around you at that time,

when I was seeking to hibernate and hide

That moment, I was in search of love

it didn't mean we hadn't got

but I found it some where very special and unique

also, it doesn't mean that you weren't missed.

Though you chose to depart alone

I will be there to sing the song 

that we made

during the days when we together were. 

Out of the blue VI

I wish the time would just hold on
our happiness would not move on,
hand always crossed on each other's
giving me the powerful smile and you the brilliant laughter. :)

The Love Conversation

Your question;
"Why do you go out of mind,
each time I hid you in my arms?
When I touch you,
hold you,
kiss you,
feel your each body part;
every time whether it's cool sunny day
or,
the bright night of stars?"

Yes, you may be inquisitive
for my actions unresponsive.
I bite you
Scratch you
give you an intense pain.
But, my dear don't take me negative and restrain.

My answer;
Life is too short to complain
we don't know how long time we have
together to hold our hands.
I simply want to take the most;
from those moments when we share our trust.
I don't know whether we will be together tomorrow
if we're not, then at least I can be happy with these moments borrowed.

I trust you completely
that's why I submit you my heart and soul wholly.
I love being out of my mind
as you are there to support me in every oceanic tides;
that we go on our bed
without noticing night and day
And, for the pain that I give you,
always remember my beau,
"there is no gain, without some pain."

Forget the pain
stop to complain.
Steal the pleasure each time
when I go out of my mind. :-p

Our love tale (Out of the blue V)

Let me share,

if you want to hear.

Neither I went on to search him,

nor he came on to find.

I just found him

as there was no reason to hide. 

We both;

were on different roads,

not connected in any way,

neither spent a single day

before,

but, our meeting was sure.

Hey!

You must be amazed,

we even didn't have that first love gaze;

that every love birds share

when they have their first meet of their affair

Oh!

Don't take us wrong,

it was then, we didn't have a love song.

Soon, we finally realized,

there was always romance between us in disguise

Now, when we have accepted our love

our days and nights have become short.

Despite the fact,

we didn't have the formal proposing act;

our amusing days are in full swing

with loads and loads of love in between. 

A month after you are gone...

I am here on the same place
to search your remains and trace
A month ago,
you left me
On this exact time and space
Now the place is so empty and dry
How can I believe that only a month ago
It was full of people longing to say you 'Good Bye'.

Just in front, the place
you were burnt
here is a couple,
cuddling and holding each other's in a hug
Besides them
I am alone
looking for your ashes
which even is gone. 

Out of the blue IV

You are the reason of my smile

our love will never be vile

For every happiness you give,

my heart leaps

with the immense ecstasy

and I believe true love is not just fantasy

Yes, we met out of blue,

but there was always a connection

between me and you.

Somewhere I was paving my way,

to find you out of bay.

Love is the synonym for you

I want you whether it's sun or moon.

Now, after all these wait,

when  I have found you my dear,

I am ready to fight with this evil fate,

who may try us to depart

may give us pain and try to separate.

I can feel your love for me in your eyes.

so no need to elongate,

let me make it precise.

I love you,

my dear 'ullu'

First day of SLC

I still remember the first day of comsing to Jyotidaya as a Fellow for my practice teaching and yes, it was grade eight; the energetic batch of Juni, Rockey, Sudip, Bishal, Manish and other twenty one e students. They were the first ones who had accepted me as a teacher and I had taken as my students. And today the time has flown by. Today is the first day of their SLC exam; the most awaited day of their life and the most awaited day of my life too. I didn't know how fast this two years went by. So many changes I happened to see in their life; the change in their educational level, their psychological level, their change of boyfriend and girl friend and many more. Not only their's, so many changes occurred in my life too And today when they were excited with their exams, I was nervous and still on bed till 6 am because of fever. I wanted to go downstairs and prepare tea for them just as I used to do during their hostel days. But I couldn't wake up. On my place, there was Seetu, so I shouldn't have to worry for long. After some time, I pulled up my strength and woke up and went downstairs. Everyone was too excited.But for the first time, I saw Juni crying being nervous about her exam. She wasn't nervous at any days.Then, why was she nervous today? Hadn't I taught well? She was confident a few minutes ago, now what happened? I didn't know the answer. But this made me nervous as well. 

Then, we started to console her. She was ready for the exam. We took group photograph and the students were sent off for the exam and those two hours 15 minutes, I was just waiting to see what kind of questions were asked? What were the students writing? How were they writing? Then after two hours Suave arrived school with a happy face and said that the questions were easy. This gave me an opportunity to have deep breath. But I was waiting for Juni. She didn't come at school. I called her and asked if she was ok. Her positive answer and her expected marks with a happy sound gave me happiness. I am not revealing the marks here but I would certainly remember it and if it would match, of course I would share.

Deserted Self...

Why this dreary loneliness;

a hollow, swollen effect?

While the rest of the world is moving around,

I stay here deserted. 

The more I try to be occupied

the less space I find, 

to move forward

I feel trodden, forbidden, left out 

by my own feelings. 

If I could change the time,

certainly I would

I would be me, Myself;

once again-

a sweet, lovely, carefree freak

but, this shallowness has stayed like a glue-stick;

attaching me to the same loneliness,

as if I am no one.

Why it's me?

Only me, it chooses to haunt?

Sometimes I give up

and surrender-

leaving everything apart,

just trying to release my memories as a draft.

I have sunken.

I have flown.

I have died. 

I am only a corpse now.

But, you still keep on haunting.

Loneliness!

you, do keep on haunting.

I will not run, how much you try

You dreary loneliness!

you keep on haunting

One day you will be tired of

running after this breathing dead,

finding yourself lonely. 

Because of you

Yes, dear !
I have moved on
far from the sorrows and trouble
I have found the light
that you always wanted on my eyes

I have found my soul-mate
just because you and I met
If there wasn't your first message
I would still be in that dark passage.

Unknowingly you held my hand,
helped me cross that dark, narrow lane,
made me believe that love exists
gave me the hint,
of my soul-mate, through the coffee
which I used to hate.

If it weren't you I would have never felt
how beautiful can life be,
when you are with your true date.

Now I don't have any questions
why you touched me without any emotions?
If you hadn't
I wouldn't
feel the true bliss
from the emotional kiss
that I am feeling at present.

You used to call me Angel,
but I never realized you were it
who came and made my life so sweet
even when you were
and now even more,
giving me my true soul-mate.

Thanks for all what you shared,
though few you cared
at least my life became worthwhile
I could be the last love of your life
I could give you all that you deserved,
Now I am happy with him,
with your memories preserved.

Only if life was tea !

Just as the taste of tea,

if this life would be!

I would certainly take a sip so easily. 

I would add some milk and sugar

also add the right tea powder

just as per my taste buds would seek

If this life was just as tea

I would wake up every morning,

first, have a sip sitting on the garden's lea

Then,

would go round and round

searching the right flavour and amount

to each shopping malls

and share my taste with every pals

Only, if my life was just as tea,

it would be so easy.

I would make you all addict

with my sometimes sweet taste

or, sometimes adding lemon with it.

Alas, life is not just as tea;

neither I can change the flavour

nor I can share it with other. 

Whatever I have on my pouch

I must accept it without any doubt.

So,

why shall not I make it easy

at least by tasting different flavours of tea? 

Out of the blue III

We were together the whole night,

but what magic you have,

you are still on my mind?

I don't have control on your arrival

you have become my part of survival

You come so fast

making me aghast

about the fact

that you and I have the miles of distance

If I start to count

the real days we have met

I may just use the fingers of my hand.it

But it seems like you are the one who was

always there on my fate. 

I have once again fallen in love

without thinking the pros and cons

I hope you do understand

and will never leave my hand. 

Oppositional Love (Story of Transformation 5)

Last week, I was going to meet one of by best friends of childhood, after ten years. It was the first time I was going to meet him. I was wondering how it would feel to meet him again and talk to him face to face once again. Though we have been frequently talking on chats of Facebook for all these ten years and have seen each other's picture; how we are growing and the change in our appearance was known to both of us, I was feeling something special about meeting him and was questioning myself how would he look and how would he react looking at me, will I be able to talk with him? Then, I thought about giving him something as a gift so that if it becomes difficult to talk him about anything I would start talking about that gift. I brainstormed about what gift can be more significant for him and I landed up with the idea of giving a novel, as he loved reading them.  With no any delay, I went to Ekta Books Shop at Tripureshwor and started choosing book for him. I was flipping the pages of different books and trying to have a small glimpse of the novel if I would like any of them. I don't know why I was so excited about doing that? But, suddenly, my hands got 'The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms', a novel by N.K. Jemisin and as other books I started flipping the pages, where my eyes stuck in the lines; "In a child's eyes, a mother is a goddess. She can be glorious or terrible, benevolent or filled with wrath, but she commands love either way. I am convinced that this is the greatest power in the universe." And all my fantasies about my friend's arrival vanished and only a question ruled my mind, do I feel the same about my mother?

My mother was a primary school teacher at the same school where I used to read. She was very strict with her students, so even my friends used to be afraid of her. I always had complained with myself why she had to teach in the same school where I was reading while there were so many other schools at Itahari. This was because I always had some kind of scary feelings whatever I do, even at home, on the way to school, at school and again on the way back home. When some of my best friend had a boyfriend for them, I had my mother always by my side. Also, because she was my body guard all the time no boys dared to be around me and talk to me and proposing was a thing too far to be imagined. My mother was so conscious about my personal lives. She used to check my bag every day just to find out if anyone has sent me any love letters or not?

"Why she is so over protective? I am 14 now. I can handle my personal things myself." I used to think. She always used to check my dress up and hairstyle before going to school and if I had checked any new fashion on myself, she would become a monster and eat me up. I simply hated that moment and used to miss my dad a lot.

My dad used to live away from the house due to his work and during that time, we didn't had any means of communication at our home except the letters that my father used to send to my mother, where I would know about his whereabouts. And when, she used to finish reading the letters, she used to ask me to write a reply where she used to tell something in Nepali and I had to translate and write that in English. It was such a headache for me. Why on earth is she doing so, even when my dad also doesn't know English? Even, she had very poor English. But also she always used to scold me about not knowing English and try to convince me that I need English in my future, so I must be proficient in it. I always wanted to run away from my mother, from all those boundaries that she used to put around me and from all those harsh words she would put forward me.

With mom

Today, really I am far from my mother. I am here at Kathmandu pursuing my masters in English Literature and my mother; she is still there the same primary school teacher at the same school. By now many things have changed, my dad has already retired and I also am enrolled in a job, my surroundings has changed, even my friend circle has changed. But one thing that hasn't changed is my mother's behavior. She still scolds me the same way she used to. She still becomes conscious on what I wear and what I eat. I am far but every day she telephones me and asks if I am well or not? What did I wear the whole day? How did I manage to go to office? When am I going to agree for my marriage? Many more. And now, this doesn't irritate me rather I become happy to answer her questions and try to make her understand my situations and in what circumstances I am doing things. Finally she understands.

This mutual understanding and talking with her didn't happen all at once. I had to go through several misfortunes and had to suffer a lot both in my professional and personal life and then finally I came into the realization that whatever my mother was doing, she was doing it right. She was doing it for me and for my happiness. I was wrong. I was in illusion that my mother did not love me. But she was the person whom I could not honor till I was 17.

I still remember the day, when I was going to have the first job interview of my life. When I saw the very call for job in a local newspaper, I made up my mind to join it. That was simply just because I was interested on doing a job then as I didn't want to stay bored at home after my +2 exams. It was not for any other beneficial purpose. Those people who were close suggested taking that job only for gaining experience. So, I was not preparing much. Then, my mother came to me and suggested if I think that I am just doing it for time pass, better not take that job or if I really want to do then, I should prepare well, prove myself and complete the task in such a way that it would be a step in my career. Then, she shared her story to me. She actually wanted to be a nurse in her life, but she couldn't because of her poor English as she was given questions in English language in her selection process, which she didn't understand and couldn't fulfill her dreams of being a nurse. So, she always wanted my English to be better so that I would not have to be away from my dream just because of my language. And she also shared, how difficult was for her and dad to bring me up with his income. So, my mom had to teach in the same school where I was reading so that I would get some discount in fees being a teacher's child. She also shared that they had all their expectations on me. That's why they always used to be afraid that I may ruin in bad company which made her strict. I didn't know about such things before.

I kept on thinking why they didn't tell these things to me? Then, suddenly I realized, it wasn't them. It wasn't my mom who wasn't talking to me. It was me, myself who didn't try to notice these things. It was me who wanted to run away from my parents. That small conversation was my eye opener. I determined to do my best in my interview. I went for it. But I became nervous. So I couldn't do as much as I had expected. Then, I went home sad. I cried a lot. For the first time, I went near my mom and hugged her and she consoled me. I don't remember how many times I cried on her lap during my childhood but that day I can't forget. I kept my head on her bosom and she said, "I know my daughter did well and the result will be good. You will get the job." Finally, after a week, I got a call with good news that I was selected.

I did that job for three years and as my mother said it really became a stepping stone in my life. From that I got promoted into a next one and now I am in Kathmandu, a place, which I had always dreamt of and I should give credit to my mother that I am pursuing my masters in English Literature as she aroused my interest on stories and essays by giving me English newspapers and magazines to read in my childhood. And now, to keep my mother's dream fulfilled, though there is telephone now in my home, I still write messages and letters in English for her. I know she will not understand it but that would give her a sense of satisfaction and smile in her face.

Yes, these were the answers that came on my mind when I saw the lines by N.K Jemisin. And there was a soliloquy inside me, "yes, Jemisin, I agree with you that however the mother is and whatever she does, her love has the greatest power in the universe. I am also convinced. So, I took out my mobile and called her. She, as usual picked up the phone in a very harsh tone and asked why did I call in such an odd hour as we only used to talk either in the morning or in the evening. Then, I answered, "just to share that I am meeting an old friend of mine after ten years." She enquired me about whom I was meeting and when I said his name, she gave a green signal saying that" yes, I know him. He is a nice guy." Then she asked are you going on a date? I was bashful and at once said no. Then she, again scolded and said; "now you have to think about your marriage". I just laughed and said, I have you to scold me, why do I need any other person? Again she repeated, "No, now you have to marry." We bid good bye and hung the phone.

A thought then came on my mind, why do I always have an opposition with my mom. Ten years back I wanted to have a boyfriend but my mother didn't want me to and now, when I am focused on my career and don't want to be committed, my mother forces me to have one. The opposition will always remain between us. Though, the opposition, we have, I love her very much now.

Out of the blue II

Days and nights are just passing by

with you there is nothing to hide

each day has become a bliss

each night I sleep with peace

Since the day we met,

from the moment our hands were held

with each other's warmth

I don't know how important I am to you

but, you are the one best among the few;

whom I trust,

whom I share all my outbursts

We didn't plan for our date

neither we took it as a mistake

Everything just went soothingly,

I spend my time with you amusingly.

These days neither I am turning to my past

Nor I am conscious about my days to last.

I am just holding your hands

enjoying our moments and every stands.

I hope you too are enjoying this company

you too want to walk a long journey

with me, won't you? J

Colour of your love

It is the colour;
the colour of your love,
that you showered me with.

The shower;
that has still made me wet
I can still feel the drops of your colourful love

Red, yellow, green,
white, black and blue
there is no colour left
that I didn't find in you.

Still the same aroma,
still the same emblem.
Look!
your colour has still left me bright and beautiful,
as it's dark and deep
the colour of your love. 

Always in my heart

For every moments
we shared,
For every trivial things
we cared,
You will be always in my heart

For every support you provided
For every hep you lended
For every love you blended
You will be always in my heart

While walking through the allies
While listening sweet melodies
Each morning as soon as I open my eyes
Whenever I look at the blue sky
You will be always in my heart