Oppositional Love (Story of Transformation 5)

Last week, I was going to meet one of by best friends of childhood, after ten years. It was the first time I was going to meet him. I was wondering how it would feel to meet him again and talk to him face to face once again. Though we have been frequently talking on chats of Facebook for all these ten years and have seen each other's picture; how we are growing and the change in our appearance was known to both of us, I was feeling something special about meeting him and was questioning myself how would he look and how would he react looking at me, will I be able to talk with him? Then, I thought about giving him something as a gift so that if it becomes difficult to talk him about anything I would start talking about that gift. I brainstormed about what gift can be more significant for him and I landed up with the idea of giving a novel, as he loved reading them.  With no any delay, I went to Ekta Books Shop at Tripureshwor and started choosing book for him. I was flipping the pages of different books and trying to have a small glimpse of the novel if I would like any of them. I don't know why I was so excited about doing that? But, suddenly, my hands got 'The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms', a novel by N.K. Jemisin and as other books I started flipping the pages, where my eyes stuck in the lines; "In a child's eyes, a mother is a goddess. She can be glorious or terrible, benevolent or filled with wrath, but she commands love either way. I am convinced that this is the greatest power in the universe." And all my fantasies about my friend's arrival vanished and only a question ruled my mind, do I feel the same about my mother?

My mother was a primary school teacher at the same school where I used to read. She was very strict with her students, so even my friends used to be afraid of her. I always had complained with myself why she had to teach in the same school where I was reading while there were so many other schools at Itahari. This was because I always had some kind of scary feelings whatever I do, even at home, on the way to school, at school and again on the way back home. When some of my best friend had a boyfriend for them, I had my mother always by my side. Also, because she was my body guard all the time no boys dared to be around me and talk to me and proposing was a thing too far to be imagined. My mother was so conscious about my personal lives. She used to check my bag every day just to find out if anyone has sent me any love letters or not?

"Why she is so over protective? I am 14 now. I can handle my personal things myself." I used to think. She always used to check my dress up and hairstyle before going to school and if I had checked any new fashion on myself, she would become a monster and eat me up. I simply hated that moment and used to miss my dad a lot.

My dad used to live away from the house due to his work and during that time, we didn't had any means of communication at our home except the letters that my father used to send to my mother, where I would know about his whereabouts. And when, she used to finish reading the letters, she used to ask me to write a reply where she used to tell something in Nepali and I had to translate and write that in English. It was such a headache for me. Why on earth is she doing so, even when my dad also doesn't know English? Even, she had very poor English. But also she always used to scold me about not knowing English and try to convince me that I need English in my future, so I must be proficient in it. I always wanted to run away from my mother, from all those boundaries that she used to put around me and from all those harsh words she would put forward me.

With mom

Today, really I am far from my mother. I am here at Kathmandu pursuing my masters in English Literature and my mother; she is still there the same primary school teacher at the same school. By now many things have changed, my dad has already retired and I also am enrolled in a job, my surroundings has changed, even my friend circle has changed. But one thing that hasn't changed is my mother's behavior. She still scolds me the same way she used to. She still becomes conscious on what I wear and what I eat. I am far but every day she telephones me and asks if I am well or not? What did I wear the whole day? How did I manage to go to office? When am I going to agree for my marriage? Many more. And now, this doesn't irritate me rather I become happy to answer her questions and try to make her understand my situations and in what circumstances I am doing things. Finally she understands.

This mutual understanding and talking with her didn't happen all at once. I had to go through several misfortunes and had to suffer a lot both in my professional and personal life and then finally I came into the realization that whatever my mother was doing, she was doing it right. She was doing it for me and for my happiness. I was wrong. I was in illusion that my mother did not love me. But she was the person whom I could not honor till I was 17.

I still remember the day, when I was going to have the first job interview of my life. When I saw the very call for job in a local newspaper, I made up my mind to join it. That was simply just because I was interested on doing a job then as I didn't want to stay bored at home after my +2 exams. It was not for any other beneficial purpose. Those people who were close suggested taking that job only for gaining experience. So, I was not preparing much. Then, my mother came to me and suggested if I think that I am just doing it for time pass, better not take that job or if I really want to do then, I should prepare well, prove myself and complete the task in such a way that it would be a step in my career. Then, she shared her story to me. She actually wanted to be a nurse in her life, but she couldn't because of her poor English as she was given questions in English language in her selection process, which she didn't understand and couldn't fulfill her dreams of being a nurse. So, she always wanted my English to be better so that I would not have to be away from my dream just because of my language. And she also shared, how difficult was for her and dad to bring me up with his income. So, my mom had to teach in the same school where I was reading so that I would get some discount in fees being a teacher's child. She also shared that they had all their expectations on me. That's why they always used to be afraid that I may ruin in bad company which made her strict. I didn't know about such things before.

I kept on thinking why they didn't tell these things to me? Then, suddenly I realized, it wasn't them. It wasn't my mom who wasn't talking to me. It was me, myself who didn't try to notice these things. It was me who wanted to run away from my parents. That small conversation was my eye opener. I determined to do my best in my interview. I went for it. But I became nervous. So I couldn't do as much as I had expected. Then, I went home sad. I cried a lot. For the first time, I went near my mom and hugged her and she consoled me. I don't remember how many times I cried on her lap during my childhood but that day I can't forget. I kept my head on her bosom and she said, "I know my daughter did well and the result will be good. You will get the job." Finally, after a week, I got a call with good news that I was selected.

I did that job for three years and as my mother said it really became a stepping stone in my life. From that I got promoted into a next one and now I am in Kathmandu, a place, which I had always dreamt of and I should give credit to my mother that I am pursuing my masters in English Literature as she aroused my interest on stories and essays by giving me English newspapers and magazines to read in my childhood. And now, to keep my mother's dream fulfilled, though there is telephone now in my home, I still write messages and letters in English for her. I know she will not understand it but that would give her a sense of satisfaction and smile in her face.

Yes, these were the answers that came on my mind when I saw the lines by N.K Jemisin. And there was a soliloquy inside me, "yes, Jemisin, I agree with you that however the mother is and whatever she does, her love has the greatest power in the universe. I am also convinced. So, I took out my mobile and called her. She, as usual picked up the phone in a very harsh tone and asked why did I call in such an odd hour as we only used to talk either in the morning or in the evening. Then, I answered, "just to share that I am meeting an old friend of mine after ten years." She enquired me about whom I was meeting and when I said his name, she gave a green signal saying that" yes, I know him. He is a nice guy." Then she asked are you going on a date? I was bashful and at once said no. Then she, again scolded and said; "now you have to think about your marriage". I just laughed and said, I have you to scold me, why do I need any other person? Again she repeated, "No, now you have to marry." We bid good bye and hung the phone.

A thought then came on my mind, why do I always have an opposition with my mom. Ten years back I wanted to have a boyfriend but my mother didn't want me to and now, when I am focused on my career and don't want to be committed, my mother forces me to have one. The opposition will always remain between us. Though, the opposition, we have, I love her very much now.